:::::The Burden Of Truth:::::
First Parent(s) Guiding their First Children when the Adoptive Parent Fails.
It's amazing how things unfold when we write them down in conversation , isn't it?
I have found that my healing has nothing to do with the actual writing process, and has everything to do with our talking to each other.
This Post is verbatim, A conversation and Bonding that I have been sharing with a new friend and an "Adoptee" { God, How i HATE writing that word ....as if that's all an "adoptee" Is! }
Here is my friend's Blog, Please visit her often, she is an incredible woman, mother and friend. :)
I wish i knew back when M was in my tummy , what a burden adoption would be on Her, and me - emotionally.
I am not actually for certain that M *IS* burdened by adoption, that's why i am hesitant right now to really go there with her.
She has not ever eluded to me that she has been .... She has never once said anything negative.
She did only JUST turn 15.
She has told me that she is not angry with me. She tells me that she's had a good life. She also tells me she *hates* her A-Mom....and i have no idea why...if its b/c she is 15 and has rules...or if its more....she has never once mentioned her A-dad or her sister.....and i have asked about them. nothing. never a response. i do not know what to do...so i almost feel that i should not bring it up at all.
You know, stir the pot.
I fear she may not respond to the letter i sent her last night.
She emailed me yesterday for the first time in over a month. She was heartbroken. had just broken up with her boyfriend after sharing her most intimate part of being with him. He was treating her poorly. I wanted to smack him! She asked for my advice. So i wrote her back and shared a similar story of mine with her and told her that most boys are jerks. That is is always important to honor ourselves as girls. To demand respect. My heart broke for her. I remember the agony of my first high school love. It was HELL.
I sent it last night at 2:30. she has a tendency to cut off contact when things are going good and start it back up when things suck....Hmmm...JUST LIKE ME.
i have to remind myself that this is all about her. I have no right to be hurt, or worried. i gave those rights up. this is my punishment. it is a VERY big pill to swallow even on the best of days.
One day i will write a book about it i'm sure.
So M has never wanted to talk about adoption. Not yet anyway. I feel like, and this goes with everything, that i want her to lead the way...and i will follow. I don't ever want to put something in her head that may have not been there before. ESPECIALLY since the only support she has is me.
The whole reason i told M to tell her mom she found me was b/c i thought she needed support. After all, i can't be there for her.
And as far as i'm concerned , D took on that responsibility when she took the parenting role from me.
restated for the literal: D took on that responsibility when I GAVE THE PARENTING ROLE TO HER.
restated for the literal: D took on that responsibility when I GAVE THE PARENTING ROLE TO HER.
In my mind, effective parenting needs the parent to be able and willing to be objective.
In the words of Kahlil Gibran - " Our children are not ours, they are life's longing for itself "
Love and nurturing are separate. If emotions are involved with the teaching or guidance process, a conflict of interest is born...and that is DEFINITELY not beneficial to the child.
Children are NOT robots, they are not clones of us - they are extensions of the universe and should be revered as such.
My hope in all of this, is that the universe has brought M back to me during this most important time of her life for this reason.
Because D is failing her. That I needed to be the one. It's all so interesting isn't it?
It's Beautiful. It's Tragic. It's Poetry. It's the essence of Love.
I am so incredibly grateful :)
I cannot figure out how D could , with good conscience, try to keep M from knowing me.
I know its all fear based. but it is a complete indicator on how , in my eyes, she has failed M as a "mother"
