Friday, September 10, 2010

Who's Your Mommy ? Assuming the parenting role when The Adoptive Parent Fails.


:::::The Burden Of Truth::::: 

First Parent(s) Guiding their First Children when the Adoptive Parent Fails.


It's amazing how things unfold when we write them down in conversation , isn't it?

I have found that my healing has nothing to do with the actual writing process,  and has everything to do with our talking to each other. 

This Post is verbatim, A conversation and Bonding that I have been sharing with a new friend and an "Adoptee" { God, How i HATE writing that word ....as if that's all an "adoptee" Is! }

Here is my friend's Blog, Please visit her often, she is an incredible woman, mother and friend. :)




I wish i knew back when M was in my tummy , what a burden adoption would be on Her, and me - emotionally.
I am not actually for certain that M *IS* burdened by adoption, that's why i am hesitant right now to really go there with her.
She has not ever eluded to me that she has been .... She has never once said anything negative.

She did only JUST turn 15.

She has told me that she is not angry with me. She tells me that she's had a good life. She also tells me she *hates* her A-Mom....and i have no idea why...if its b/c she is 15 and has rules...or if its more....she has never once mentioned her A-dad or her sister.....and i have asked about them. nothing. never a response. i do not know what to do...so i almost feel that i should not bring it up at all.





You know, stir the pot.







I fear she may not respond to the letter i sent her last night. 
She emailed me yesterday for the first time in over a month. She was heartbroken. had just broken up with her boyfriend after sharing her most intimate part of being with him. He was treating her poorly. I wanted to smack him! She asked for my advice. So i wrote her back and shared a similar story of mine with her and told her that most boys are jerks. That is is always important to honor ourselves as girls. To demand respect. My heart broke for her. I remember the agony of my first high school love. It was HELL.
I sent it last night at 2:30. she has a tendency to cut off contact when things are going good and start it back up when things suck....Hmmm...JUST LIKE ME. 
 i have to remind myself that this is all about her. I have no right to be hurt, or worried. i gave those rights up. this is my punishment. it is a VERY big pill to swallow even on the best of days. 
One day i will write a book about it i'm sure. 

So M has never wanted to talk about adoption. Not yet anyway. I feel like, and this goes with everything, that i want her to lead the way...and i will follow. I don't ever want to put something in her head that may have not been there before. ESPECIALLY since the only support she has is me. 
The whole reason i told M to tell her mom she found me was b/c i thought she needed support. After all, i can't be there for her.
And as far as i'm concerned , D took on that responsibility when she took the parenting role from me.
restated for the literal: D took on that responsibility when I GAVE THE PARENTING ROLE TO HER.
In my mind, effective parenting needs the parent to be able and willing to be objective.
In the words of Kahlil Gibran - " Our children are not ours, they are life's longing for itself "
Love and nurturing are separate. If emotions are involved with the teaching or guidance process, a conflict of interest is born...and that is DEFINITELY not beneficial to the child.
Children are NOT robots, they are not clones of us - they are extensions of the universe and should be revered as such.
My hope in all of this, is that the universe has brought M back to me during this most important time of her life for this reason.
Because D is failing her. That I needed to be the one. It's all so interesting isn't it? 
It's Beautiful. It's Tragic. It's Poetry. It's the essence of Love.
I am so incredibly grateful :)

I cannot figure out how D could , with good conscience, try to keep M from knowing me.
I know its all fear based. but it is a complete indicator on how , in my eyes, she has failed M as a "mother"





9 comments:

  1. Great post. So many things had me nodding my head in agreement. The not wanting to stir the pot, worrying that emails will go unanswered, my son avoids all conversation about his adoption...

    How wonderful that you are able to be a part of your daughter's life now. Even though we have to let our found children lead the way, you can still gently guide her. Thank God you are here for her now, since her adoptive mother isn't!

    Your words "It's Beautiful. It's Tragic. It's Poetry. It's the essence of Love." Love, love, love that!!!

    Susie

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  2. (((Kris))) Beautifully written. Thank you so much for the sweet words. Such an encouragement:)

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  3. I'm so impressed at how you continue to put M ahead of yourself. If only all parents would do this.

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  4. That's an amazingly awesome way to put it. How to be there when the adopters have failed.... thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and journey, so that we may all learn. I know I'm not in this place, and I may never be... (as my daughter is still young and is not able to be frank or speak with me.) But, even still, it's important to know these journeys, because I feel we are all living parallel to each other.

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  5. Thanks Mamas :) XOX

    This has definitely been one hell of a life experience and awakening for me...as i know it has been for you guys too <3
    Heather, now being on the other side of the fence with M, I am not sure whether its a positive or negative situation.
    Don't get me wrong I am soooo incredibly thankful that M searched for me and found me - partly out of my own selfishness...
    BUT...when I think about her, and i do A LOT ... the wondering and worry is so much more escalated now. I would NOT recommend a reunion with a minor child if their adoptive parents are not supportive.
    I cannot imagine what M has to go through...as i am sure D probably questions her often about whether she is communicating with me.
    Then, she has to lie so she doesn't get in trouble. This doesn't make for a good, healthy dynamic OR relationship.
    It kinda sucks.
    M also does not know how to express what she is thinking or feeling yet...its pretty apparent.
    So...that leaves me to wonder how healthy this really is for her. Will it add to her confusion, will it impede her growth as a young woman.
    There is nothing worse than having to lie about who you are, what you think and how you feel.
    What kind of a parent would purposely put her child in this predicament?
    God, it fumes me to the core!
    What really gets me is how i could go from being D's "angel" to being the devil incarnate...when life started not going her way.
    It's like the bratty mean girl on the playground that just because she doesn't get to be the princess at playtime, gets mad and stomps around and says she never wants to play with you again, that she'll never be your friend and then tries to make the others girls go with her...leaving you alone and making you want to cry.
    For an educated woman, she sure is acting childish, immature and ignorant.
    My heart breaks for my little girl :(

    BIG Hugs Gals:::::XXXXOOOO
    K.

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  6. When you said that "D" took "M" away from you...what do you mean? Did you not give up your rights willingly? Did you know her before you got pregnant and she some how convinced you that you needed to give her to her?

    What I don't get is that you are on the outside looking in on this family and you sit there and judge "D". She is raising your child because she chose to and YOU gave her to her...or to someone if you didn't choose her yourself. Look life isn't fair and no one said it would be. Part of being a responsible person is to learn from our mistakes and move on and not to wallow in the pain and sorrow that our actions have caused.

    You sit there and make it seem like D is your enemy. Were you there diapering "M" or comforting her when she was sick? Were you the one in the middle of the night looking in on her to make sure she was warm enough or reading her bed time stories? You make it seem as though "M" is your property or that you are entitled to a part of her or something.

    Yes I am angry. I am angry because you say that you went from D's angel to some enemy. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't give up a baby and then (even if she contacted you herself) allow your selfishness to stay in contact with her. I could understand if she was 18 years old then yeah you probably have more of a right to speak with her since she's legally an adult at that time.

    You say that she's failed "your daughter". Umm she's made it to 15 hasn't she? Good grief. She didn't die or anything did she?

    I guess you have forgotten that at the age of 15 years old you are having a very awkward stage in your life and your mom (adoptive mom or birth mom) does not know ANYTHING. You butt heads, and the majority of families do this. It's not failure on D at all. Every single family has this stage. You need to back off from them completely and let her go to her mom which isn't you.

    Grow up and realize that you made your choices and that you aren't helping anyone by living in the past and not moving on. You aren't helping her because clearly you haven't moved forward. She's going to look at you and see how sad you are and not respect you as a person really to be honest with you. She'll look at you and realize that you are pretty pathetic not to move on and have your own life. Any young girl at the age of 15 is going to reach out to anyone who will listen especially an adult. If you really were supportive of her having a healthy life, you would get on the phone and call D and tell her that HER daughter needs her and they may need therapy but that she's been in contact with you and that you are concerned for their relationship together. If that was important to you that is...but you are only looking at yourself in this...and you supposedly care about M. You don't really care about M or you would be calling D telling her the pain her daughter is in. No, you only hear one side of this and it's a teenagers side. Teen girls can be VERY manipulative and can tell people who don't know them very well exactly what they want so as to get compassion and understanding. You rarely get the full truth out of a 15 year old.

    Anyone acting childish here is you.

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  7. First Of All MxM...I want to say...how DARE you come to my Blog, My safe haven and treat me with such ignorant, uneducated immaturity and hurtful remarks against me, my first daughter and everything that i have experienced for the 15 years i have been a birthmother.

    HOW DARE YOU.

    I would like to know...What the FUCK you know about adoption to begin with? Tell me.
    What is it that gives you the audacity to remark in this way???

    You wrote the most awful things here to me tonight. Just awful.
    Have you even read my my adoption journey??
    Or did u come to this post and assume you just know everything and feel entitled to remark in such a manner??

    It's Disgusting.

    You're calling ME names YET I"M CHILDISH??

    Wow.

    I do not and WILL NOT explain myself to you.
    You are not worth 10 minutes of my precious time.

    And FYI, I have tried to contact D, a few times.
    I have written her very empathetic and rational letters - she has never responded.
    You CLEARLY suffer from entitlement issues to say the things you have said.

    Yes. I relinquished my rights. Yes I chose her to parent M. At the time when I interviewed her , she told me everything i wanted to hear to get my baby...she has done NONE of those things which she promised.
    Yes, she fed and changed M - WHEN SHE WAS A BABY! Jesus Woman , are u insane?!?
    You need to get your head checked before you become a mother!
    ARE you a mother?
    WHO are you, what gives you the right...I wanna know??
    Newsflash* M is NOT a baby anymore!
    She is a growing young woman who is trying to find her identity and obviously feels that I am important - and U are negating that?
    What, You don't think that adoptees have rights??
    Human rights??
    Yes, children are manipulative. I have two other children myself...how many do you have?
    Children also deserve to be heard NO MATTER WHAT THEIR AGE...AND BELIEVED.
    They are not property. They are HUMAN.
    I will never ignore my first child..Ever.
    Give me a break.

    M's adoptive Mom put us all in this predicament.
    I have done nothing to her.
    And M does not tell me what she wants me to hear.
    How would you even know?
    I am not thinking about myself at all in this...I ONLY think about M.
    I have no selfish desire to claim her as my own.
    What are you even talking about?

    And this statement:
    " Any young girl at the age of 15 is going to reach out to anyone who will listen especially an adult."

    could not be FURTHER from the truth! 15 year old teenagers want NOTHING to do with adults.
    What reality do you live in.

    I am going to suggest that before you take a trip over to someone's blog, you really think long and hard before you go bashing someone and their intentions when you you have NO CLUE what you are talking about.

    You are not welcome here. Do Not EVER come back.

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  8. P.S. MxM ...

    I NEVER once said that D took M away from me.

    Apparently you only see what you want to see, then get all high up on your soap box and start criticizing when you clearly don't have your facts straight...sounds familiar doesn't it??

    Maybe your husband chose you b/c YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE HIS MOTHER.

    Time to look in the mirror i'd say.

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  9. Oh dear...I was going to comment on a beautiful post that resonated with me on so many levels (firstmother from a botched-manipulated-lie of an open adoption which left my child scarred and emotionally abused-reunited when she was 18 thank god!) but then I read MxM's comment and didn't feel angry so much as stunned with dry heaves. Really? You have got to be kidding me that people are still thinking that way. No, I know...they are and anyway, This MxM HAS to be an adopter. Every syllable screams insecure adopter. I'm sorry you have to deal with such abuse but at least they are reading the truth and it's hitting nerves for good reason! I understand if you don't want to post this comment...I may only stir up the BS. Sorry...but had to give you the enouragement and support you deserve.
    That said, being there for your teenage daughter is wonderfully beautiful! She reaches out to you because she needs you. She IS too young to fully comprehend everything or be able to articulate what she is needing or feeling but she is trying and to know she feels safe with you I hope helps you and her both. She needs a mother and that is surely how she sees you as you are her mother. I don't think you are doing anything wrong...normal teenage behavior or not...you are still her mother and nothing will ever change that. Be there for her. It is as nature intended.

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Mama K.