:::: ★ Adoption Perspectives ★ :::: PART 1

Let me start off this post with a quick sentence of Truth:


We ALL have different Perspectives.


While this is a completely natural occurrence and a refreshing fact of life, In Adoption Land - it can be downright overwhelming, emotional and frustrating.


Now, you see, I can really only know and own my own perspective on what is and what should be, as a Natural Mother. I am only part of the Equation - There is Adoptee and Adoptive Parent(s) too! Add all our perspectives together and .....Drum Roll....We now have a recipe for DISASTER! Ugg.


Ok. There are many adoptions out there that are harmonious, filled with love and understanding on all 3 of the factors' accounts...and , don't get me wrong...this is wonderful! And i would be lying to say that i am not envious of these...but....here, in my triad  - this is not so. My triad is filled with confusion, doubt, fear, jealousy, anger, resentment, guilt...You get the drift.


Lets break it down.


The Past - 15 Years Ago


A) Natural Mom/First Mom/Birthmom: ME  ~  1/3


I am but one third of the equation.
I am a teenager. I am an addict. I am selfish, self-centered and totally and undeniably self destructive. I spend the best of my high school years in Foster Care b/c my mother does not and cannot control me. She has abused me emotionally and physically for years. I am a liar and a thief. I hate my mother. I hate myself.
 I become pregnant.
 I know there is no way I can take care of a baby. Not monetarily...b/c that is really not the issue - i mean it is, but not really. I have other friends who are parenting babies and have nothing.
I am chock full of all the bad conditioning I have been privy to, and I don't know my head from my ass. I am a wreck. I do not want to destroy an innocent baby's life with the Hell in which I live in. I am as immature & as screwed up as can be.
Everyone has an opinion. My family ... and mother...want me to keep the baby. My mother says she will help. eHEM. The rest of my family just cannot believe i would even consider adoption as an option and shuns me in many ways.
My room-mate and boyfriend think I should get an abortion. I am scared and alone. I call an adoption attorney. I am not looking for money, or a pat on the back. I am looking for a safe home, with a stable married couple who wants to adopt so I can get this innocent child as far from my family as possible. Abortion just didn't settle right with me.
I find an Adoption Attorney a few cities away. I think he represents me and the baby. Noone tells me any different.
I am a Fool. I am never told there are options in adoption.
I am alone and have no guidance. I blindly and foolishly never notice the Conflict of Interest.
The prospective Adoptive parents fly down to Florida and I ask questions and have requests for raising her, how they would raise her. They make a good impression and seem very nice. They assure me that they will do everything I ask and that as soon as my child knows what a mother is, they will tell her about me. I am relieved. I choose them.
I spend the next 7 months having to explain myself to everyone and continuing to be abused by everyone in my family.
I go into labor, and my mother calls Adoptive Mom, they fly down and are there when M is born. Adoptive mom looks into my eyes just after birthing my baby and tells me i am her angel and that she will tell M all about me.
After I go home from the hospital, I get an 8-ball, head to the beach with 2 friends and get as high and drunk as I could.
The next 5 years follows in the same manner...only worse. I become a Junky. I do everything in my control to escape reality.




B)Prospective Adoptive Couple/Re-Married Middle Aged Woman/Adoptive Mother: D.B. ~ 1/3
(wow! I just noticed she has the same initials as my mother! beyond irony i'm afraid )


Note:This is all speculation. As all I have to lend to the facts is my perception ie:Hindsight.


D is a middle aged woman with no children and is on her 2nd marriage. She wants to have a baby so bad and is beat down and ragged emotionally from multiple miscarriages and 2 failed adoptions. She receives a call from the attorney they sent their profile to thousands of miles away b/c they(she) is desperate.
A girl who is pregnant and considering adoption is interested in meeting them due to her request that the family be from her home sector: NY, NJ, CT.
D is excited and terrified. She has been through so much emotionally, mentally and physically already - wants to have a "family", but does not know if she can handle a failed placement again. They fly down to Florida to meet the "birthmom" (ME) and know they have but one shot at a good impression. The fate of her life hangs in the balance. She is overwhelmed, but being a professional businesswoman ( a lawyer ) she can put her game face on and " bring it home " !
They all sit in a booth at a local Steakhouse waiting for pregnant girl to arrive, they are coached as to what to say and what not to say and the possible state of the pregnant girl.
Everyone is prepped and coached and supported...all except pregnant girl.
Pregnant Girl has never even heard of an "Open Adoption" or the term Open Adoption so D already has the playing field advantage.
D tells Pregnant Girl everything she wants to hear, and pays close attention to the verbiage of pregnant girl's hopes and dreams for her child to be sure they say what she needs to hear to close the deal. Pregnant Girl thinks they are great and thus becomes known to D as...Her child's "Birthmother".
D flies back to NY, trembling. She stands in the nursery made for 2 former babies and cries. She decides to not even do anything yet. She can't. She sets up a toll free number for her baby's birthmother - only birthmother did not know it was only for when she went into labor - and calls D often with updates. This makes D uncomfortable, but she is good at pretending...or so she thinks...and tries to act interested in the progress.
Meanwhile, and unbeknownst to Pregnant Girl, D gets a call from the attorney and he tells her that he has recieved a call from Birthmom's family saying that birthmom is using drugs, drinking and has even taken lsd while pregnant. Does she still want to go through with this pregnant girl? She says yes b/c she just wants a baby so bad, she doesn't care. She begins to form all sorts of opinions about birthmom based on the hearsay, b/c she has no reason to believe it not to be true.
The next time birthmom calls the toll-free number, D decides to tell birthmom that she is a little hesitant. That she has gone through two failed placements and does not feel like she can set up the nursery...because this particular phone call was a special one....IT'S A GIRL!!!
Pregnant Girl, who is always thinking of other people even though it does not seem that way...assures D that she will not change her mind. she promises D that the baby in her belly will be D's - she has her word. Pregnant Girl pleads with D to start getting the nursery ready, to enjoy doing it and to stop worrying b/c there is nothing to fear. D wants so badly to believe birthmom, and almost does....but not quite.
One day, in late August, D gets an emotional phone call from birthmom's mother who tells her that the baby is coming. D and her husband get on the next plane, along with D's in-laws and they all fly down to Florida. D and family wait, awkwardly and excitedly in the waiting area of the maternity ward with birthmom's family. She goes through an array of thoughts and emotions while she watches and listens to Birthmom's family b/c they seem so...nice, and well educated, and normal. She starts to worry more b/c she believes b/c of this reason that pregnant girl could change her mind, given that she assumes the girl has not just monetary means but a good family as well.
Before she can decide what to believe, The birthmom's mother comes out crying and says that the baby is born and is healthy!
And that while they clean the baby girl, they can go visit birthmom in the room if they want. D wishes she could grab the baby and go for a second, but then comes back to reality and knows she must go see birthmom and save face, the moment of truth is upon her.
D is in a black-out as she approaches birthmom and hears, "congratulations! You are the proud mother of a baby girl!"
D looks down at birthmom in awe, and smiles the biggest smile of her 43 years on earth and starts to cry. she repeats thank you half a dozen times, kisses K on her forehead and says gently, "You are our angel, and as soon as your baby knows what a mother is, i promise to tell her all about you. thank you. oh, thank you"
Meanwhile, in the nursey, birthmom's mom is feeding the baby for the first time in her little life and crying. she tells her she will see her again one day, that God promised her that. Birthgrandma who is 3 years younger than D does not want to let go and continues to torture herself, sings to the baby and cries.


D leaves the hospital with family in tow to stay at a hotel until she can take her baby home. She never sees or talks to the baby's mother again.She is complete.


D finally has everything she has always wanted. A loving husband and now...her baby. All her self-induced stress is gone. 2 months later she is pregnant with a girl. D cannot believe that at 43 she is pregnant, D does not miscarry and she gives birth to a baby girl that is her very own, hers and the man that she loves.
It's a miracle.
The years pass and M and her sister and their parents live happily. She sends one letter and 2 pictures a year to the adoption agency for birthmom, but they never speak. She is relieved that they have a closed adoption and is reluctant to even tell M that she is adopted when the time comes, but tells her anyway. When M is old enough, instead of telling M that her mother was an angel, she tells her that she was a drug addict who could not take care of a baby. She tries to plant the seeds that will keep the 2 separate - forever.




C) E.L.S/Adoptee : Sweet M  ~  1/3


M is not really M, she is E. An unborn baby girl with a good Irish name who will surely have lots of freckles and a beautiful smile just like her mother.In utero, she experiences a lot of life already. more than she ever will outside her mothers tummy. It is not the healthiest enviroment for E, b/c her mother is not well and does not know how to take care of herself, but knows her mother is trying because her mother talks to her and tells her so.  E and her mother move several times and life is both chaotic, emotional and confusing.
E does not have a choice. E does not have a voice.
E goes to loud concerts and travels and for the 4 months before she is born, she goes snorkeling and hiking and swimming all the time - just her and her mom.
E hears the constant turmoil that is going on outside her mother's tummy. She hears people yelling at her mom and making her feel bad all the time. They even had to sleep on the floor of her aunt and uncles house for months b/c they were not allowed to sleep on the couch. E could not wait to get out. But she never really knew that she would be separated from her mother right away. If she had, she may have never decided to come out. E learned a lot about life inside her mothers belly. Probably too much too soon. Thank God that the uterus was like Fort Knox, b/c she may have never even made it out alive due to her mother's constant selfish bad decision making. If it was at all possible to form a resentment in utero against her mother  for her wrecklessness...it was done.
E did not have a choice. E did not have a voice.
When E was born, she was whisked away from her mother instantly and felt the cold uncaring hands of a doctor. Then, she was passed off, like a tiny football to a nurse who poked and prodded her and she was scared.
She needed and wanted to get back to her mother, but that moment never came.
The first feeling of love and warmth that she experienced was from her mother's mother. she was confused.
Then later, she was held and coddled by a woman whose voice she had never heard. A voice that told her that she was her mother now.
This voice called her by a different name.
M had no choice. She now had a voice, but noone heard.
M grew up in a home where she always felt different and knew she was different.
Her sister was not different. And while M felt special b/c of that, she resented it just as much.
M was very happy. But it was a happiness that was very different from her parents and her sisters'. M was very popular. While her mom and dad and sister blended into the background.
M's sister enjoyed being with their parents. M enjoyed being with her friends.
M became talented in many ways that were surprising and different to everyone.
M had a way about her that was different.
Every year that passed, the difference became more noticeable.
Whenever her sister would embarrass her in front of her friends, M would put her hand on her hip and with a huff would say, "don't look at me, i'm adopted. hmpf".
When M was in middle school, she started to feel like something was missing from her life. M knew what it was. It was her birthmother and her family.
She wondered if the "differentness" she had always felt, that they felt it too.
She had a Dreamcatcher that her birthmom had made her up in her room and would loom at it often, as it was the only thing in her room that was different.
M started to give her parents trouble. The things that were important to them, were not important to her. M would rather be laughing and having a good time.
M could not figure out why that was so "different".
M had all the creature comforts that could be afforded. M never even contemplated that there was a different kind of existence. M wondered why her mother chose to give her away. She was not angry or upset, b/c M had a good life. M was so curious that one day while her parents were out, she snooped around and found some paperwork from the agency that had her birthmother's name on it. Without telling anyone, M started to search for her birthmother.
After some months of searching, she finally found her! She was so excited and nervous and innocent. There was no way for her to know the dominoes that would start to fall b/c of this simple note she emailed to her real mother on day.
"Hi! It's M....Your Daughter".
M's life would never be the same.
M finally had a choice. M finally had a voice. ...Or so she thought...








The next part of my take on Adoption Perspectives will be based solely on the present. 
It will be based on where I perceive each one of us to be at right now.The point to this is to gain a little more understanding of why each one of us acts and reacts the way we do.
All pieces to the same puzzle, yet all so very very different.
I hope that some of you will decide to take this journey with me.
I will write as objectively as possible...if it IS possible.
We shall see....


xxoo


Let me note....it has been quite some time since I have written on my blog about adoption. I have been reading a lot of other's blogs and commenting around, but today I was inspired to get back at it after reading another's natural mom's post from yesterday entitled:


DIFFERENT TAKES & JUDGEMENT CALLS


BY: WRITE-O-HOLIC


I am in gratitude to Denise for inspiring me to write again after so long of a sebbatical. I always appreciate objectivism and the Right to WRITE :o)

My Adoption Story:::And then Some.

Adoption Story, Adoption Truth

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
- Unknown

Welcome Home:::

 

 I surrendered my first child to adoption at birth.
I was an extremely unstable teen. Mixed Up in every way imaginable. An only child, abused and neglected by my mother for many years.
My Grandmother Says she should have never had children.
I was a product of this. I was an addict and I was also a cutter.
I had no clue how to function at all. All I knew what self-destruction and that there was no way I would bring an innocent baby into my world. My family's World.
Eventually we would be torn to shreds. My Mother would take her from me and have me commited, just as she did 4 years Prior...and then...well, I shuddered to think.
I went through the pregnancy with little to no support. abused while I was pregnant. The only person that offered help was the person who crippled me, Mommy Dearest.
Over my dead body would she get her hands on my baby. To Me, It was life or death.
I was It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.
I tried to make it okay in my mind, but the only time I ever felt safe was with her inside me, and I knew it couldn't last.
My Mother. My biggest Enemy. My worst Fear.

The attorney I contacted sent the PAP's profile to me in the mail and i liked what i read about them. (I mean, to me...anything was better than Me and the Monster)
Interests:Cooking, Skiing, Camping...Profession: Attorney & CPA...Building a home in CT. 45 & 43 Years Old. Second Marriage.
One thing was obviously for certain - they wanted/needed a baby in their lives terribly to be adopting at their ages. (in hindsight, i realize how detrimental this thought process is...but how could i have known then...? )
They both flew down to meet me from New York. I interviewed them for hours – I had specific requests and questions on how they planned to raise M.
I had been lied to by Monster for so long, I couldn't tell a lie or a scam if it hit me between the eyes. (Pretty Disgusting looking back)
After hours of interrogation and what I thought to be a good conversation, They assured me that everything I had requested was what they would plan to do anyway, and naively I assumed it was destiny.
I Just knew they would be wonderful parents! ( Hopefully you have figured out by now that i didn't know ANYTHING ).
My prospective adoptive mom had had multiple miscarriages, survived two failed placements at birth and both she and her husband were on their 2nd marriage and in their early to mid 40’s ( Yet another ill-informed decision on my part, I couldn't have imagined the distance M would feel growing up with older parents....) They had gone through 2 adoptions where the birth moms had changed their mind at the last minute. They wanted a baby so bad, (Only now do i see the dichotomy of these words, and how unhealthy this really is...) and i was so disillusioned I actually felt grateful to be able to give my baby to two wonderful people who would give her stability, love and opportunity. ( See, I thought they were wonderful then, I'm sure *know* they put their game face on for me, I feel pretty used today...)
I thought Often.....There must have been something greater than me that led me to this decision as I was the most immature and selfish 19 year old girl in the universe…Now the sad part, is that when I got the phone book and looked for an Adoption Attorney, I actually thought that this Attorney represented me. Pretty Stupid Huh? I mean, I was the one that called them, right??
Not anyone involved once informed me of any Adoption Options, I only assumed there was one kind - Closed. I didn't think I had any rights. I never had any rights. Ever. Why would this be any different. I was so unsuspecting. So incredibly naive.
I was told I could have an open adoption...
This meant one letter, 2 pictures a year ( they said letters and pictures...i actually thought i would get more, and i don't recall there being fine print...)
Wow! That was more than I had hoped for!
I honestly felt that I didn't even deserve that much. I was a horrible person. Even more horrible of a person now that I was giving my baby away. Surely I was just like my mother.
Now, My Father ( who my mother left when i was 3 ) had just taken his life 2 months before I became pregnant. Rewind 1 year - I dropped out of High School, didn't tell anyone where I was going, not one person, got on a train bound for NY, and ended up with my father who I hadn't seen in 5 years. Our reunion was incredible. Until his wife said i needed to go. I got to know my dad, finally. And he got to know me. He told me he wanted to die. He hated his life.
I got mad at him. Told him not to tell me things like that. I moved back to Fl. in June and
3 months later, He was gone.
It seemed like God hated me. I hated me.
My Paternal Grandmother told me it was my fault he was dead. If I loved him more. If i stayed up in NJ....Now, I was going to give a baby away. She wanted nothing to do with me.
To this day...I have talked to her maybe 6 times in 15 years and she always without fail...asks about " the baby "
Fast Forward 1 year from my father's Death. Almost to the day. M was Born.
I wanted so bad to hold her. I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would never let her go.
I gave her a name. Her first name. And her last name...was mine and my father's.
I was very sad when they changed it.
Every Year on her birthday, I take out her Birth Certificate ..with her little footprints...and Cry.
I did not realize the ramifications of what carrying M inside me would do to my psyche.
I tried to block out my emotions during the pregnancy. I was very ignorant of the innate bonding that happens while pregnant as well as the nesting aspect and the hormones. I didn’t know until hindsight that god and the universe actually prepared you during pregnancy to become a mother. I didn’t know. So there I was, post birth – alone. confused.
2 weeks later, I was messed up. I had it in for myself for sure. A snowball effect. Not sure how I survived.

I LOVED getting the pictures - I would go in my closet and sit down in the very back and stare at them, kiss her, and cry.
I sort of liked reading the letters all except for the 10 or so redundant words that read: my daughter, my little girl, my, my, my – that was a little overkill for this feeling, unstable twenty-something )
I was pretty saddened by this, but thought that this would probably be what was best for her.
I mean, I had made my choice, right? The less confusion the better.
( Now i see the fear, the control, now i am paying for it - M is paying for it )

I continued a downward spiral for the next few years, more loss, more pain, trying to escape in every way imaginable. I became hard. I learned about life on the streets. I dealt Drugs. I slept wherever I could. I couldn't hold a job. I stole. I cheated. I lied. I did whatever I could to survive. I always made sure to visit my mother and step fathers house though, so I could get that one letter, two pictures a year. I carried her pictures and her birth certificate with me everywhere I went. The only thing that gave me hope. Was that she was safe and loved with a good life. A life i couldn't imagine, but tried.

I had a lot of growing to do.
I escaped from these feelings in many unhealthy ways throughout the next 5 years. I was my own demise.
Something was missing from my life. Until I had my other two daughters and realized exactly what had happened….I was prepared to be a mother, and hung myself out to dry.
I forced myself to have a positive outlook on the adoption.( Denial is probably a more accurate word )
I suppose I had to. This was the only way I survived the pain of the loss.
I found myself shackled and in front of a judge when I was 25. For the 2nd time in just a couple years. This judge swung her gavel of fate and so I sit here today because of it.
I chose Rehab instead of Jail and started my trek uphill.
I was court ordered to meetings. They saved my Life. They gave me a life.
A sponsor taught me in just a few months what my mother should have in 15 years.
Just as if I were a baby, I learned how to live. From everyone but my own family.
Fast Forward 1 year. 2001. I met my now husband and became pregnant with A only 2 months after we met. With my new found life skills I was certain I could do it. I would do whatever it took.
A saved my life.
Fast Forward 8 years.
Defying all odds and personality differences my husband and me are still together, and parenting our 2 daughters. Life is still a struggle, but its SO much better than it ever has been.
I have grown by leaps and bounds due to stubborness, My husband and these little girls who teach me more and more every day I wake up.
November 6th, 2009. The day after E's 6th Birthday.
I never knew my first childs last name or where she lived until this day when i opened my email and found a note in my facebook inbox that read: hey, it’s m******, your daughter.
My eyes filled with tears. My heart lept. I was in shock.
A and E both know that they have a sister I gave up for adoption as we have pictures of her in the house and talk about her on birthdays, holidays, whenever… They all came running into the room – I was shouting out loud uncontrollably with disbelief and joy and as i was crying I hugged my girls and told them that their sister had found me! That she had found US!
I always knew that she would find me one day b/c she just had to have my curious and sentimental genes!
It was the happiest day of my life!!

I never thought it would be at 14 years old however, and her adoptive mom and dad didn't know.
Turns out she did it in secret.

( well, they do now, upon my request and urging - and it has completely and totally backfired on both myself and M - D will not talk to me, answer my letters. M has been forbidden to communicate with me. )

Here is the interesting part. My Mother just happened to be visiting when I got M's email. I was just so excited, I wanted to tell everyone! I forgot who i was dealing with. My excitement turned to shock and disbelief as my mother looked at me sternly and uttered - I hope you are not planning on writing her back. You made an agreement. You need to ignore her.

Holy Crap! Did that just come out of my mother's mouth?!? Yup.

I looked at her with disgust and said swiftly, Of Course I am writing her back! That's my child!
I would Never EVER Ignore Her!

...and the rest of the visit was awkward as usual and ended in its usual way, of her leaving in a huff from things not going her way.

Now, this is the edited version of the first time I wrote of this account. The first version was full of Fluff and Denial. So much so, I could not believe I actually wrote the words myself.
Boy, reality sure has a way of smacking you down...well, smacking ME down. xox

That was November. Christmas was a train wreck up at my mother's house...more abuse, more lies.
In January this year, I cut off all communication with her. My Mother that is. After educating myself on what she really is and coming to terms with it, I realized that there is no way to have a relationship with her. She is a Pathological Narcissist. I have agreed through my husband that she can see and be with A and E when she comes to visit, but she is no longer welcome in my home, and for as long as she continues to lie, steal, abuse, control and deny reality on all accounts. It has been the greatest freedom I have ever know. I have no regrets. I am at peace for the first time . ever.

Back to M -

I didn’t want to ruin the reunion by telling her what to do, but I felt like I HAD let her know that it was VERY important that she tell her mom she found me.
I just wanted to do what’s right.
It has all been so overwhelming. Especially in the beginning.
I am SO incredibly happy that my first child has found me and I would love nothing more than to have a special relationship with her now, and get to know her for the beautiful and talented young woman that she is becoming.
But that's not quite what is happening.

I wish I had a better outcome to write about, but that is simply just not the case.
I have been threatened by the agency. I have been told I am not allowed to contact her and if M contacts me, I am to ignore her.
Which I am not doing BTW. I will never ignore one of my children. Ever.
I have been "defriended" twice, for reasons i dare not ask.
I have been able to tell M all the important things that needed to be said, for now.
She knows I love her.
I was just able to celebrate her 15th birthday with her by sending her a big box full of goodies and Love. I had to send it to her friend's house, but i'll take that.
She was writing me everyday up until 2 weeks ago and then she stopped. Again.
I honestly feel like a fish on a hook. I am trying to be as rational about it all as possible.
I started taking anti-depressants 4 months ago.
I am trying to hold on for dear life.
Some days are better than others ( I am also dealing with a painful and chronic illness I was diagnosed with a year and a half ago....which sucks...)
The minute I dare ask God, what's next...rar...u know. So, forget it.
Roll with the punches?
So where do we go from here?
One foot in front of the other like always?

Will her adoptive mom be receptive to her wanting to know me? ( NOPE )
Will I survive the rejection if she doesn’t?( I am surviving only b/c I have started blogging and reading the real stories of others that have been living with Adoption )
Will M want to get to know me more? Or is this it?

Some days I feel like I deserve what I get. That Karma is a bitch.
Other days, i just don't even know what to think.
I know that I want M to be happy, so whatever that is to her, is what I will accept.
I know that it will break my heart if she decides to shun me, but that I will never give up or let go...never.

Life is so incredibly intense sometimes. Most Times in My case.

I am constantly reminding myself that it is not about me, that this journey is about Love.
What is Love? Love is giving and not asking anything in return::::



The tragedy in all of this is that noone has asked M what it is she wants or needs. We are both being dismissed on the basis of fear and ignorance.
I have only now begun to see how this adoption web has been so intricately woven.
I cannot speak for anyone else's journey, but mine has taken an unexpected and disheartening turn.
The adoption industry caters to the Adoptive Parents and those in the industry who have to gain by monetary means. They say that they act in the best interest of the child, but i am being shown otherwise. It is something i do not wish for anyone else and something i have begun to fight for.
I have now become an advocate of Adoptees. Our beloved children that have no choice, no voice.
Our children that trust us whom we have let down b/c of our own ignorance.
I am being transformed in my own views about adoption daily
We can only act in the present. We cannot go back and change the past unfortunately.
I used to support Adoption Blindly. Not Now. I will advocate for Truth, No Matter what the cost.

Ten Thousand Words:::

I have been reading a lot of blogs the past few days. Blogs of Mothers, First Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, Adopted Children and Adult Children. I have read a slew of comments, I have seen and felt SO much emotion. I have started to SEE and FEEL how adoption affects people, I have cried and smiled. I have witnessed women just wanting so badly to be heard, but most importantly - to be Understood.
A lot of Words.
I have been saddened by some of these words, especially the words of mothers who have such pain that they try to make those of us who have that pain also but have chosen to heal and love through that pain - they have tried to push us back down with their words. cutting words. Words wrapped in eloquent intellectual and often biased anger and frustration. I get it. The pain is real.
The truth of it is that we, ourselves, are the only ones that can validate and heal our pain. noone else. That our peace and understanding come from within, not from without. We will never find peace attempting to coerce others to see and feel as we do. What we are all seeking through our blogs may differ, depending on our adoption experience. The common thread here is that we want a platform to express ourselves and to be heard.
Some mothers want and need support. Some mothers just want to vent. Some mothers want to share their Joy.
Some Mothers want only to share their Pain. Some Mothers want to advocate for change. Some Mothers want to help other Mothers, and some Don't. Some Mothers want to use Sarcasm and Demeaning Verbiage to tell other Mothers who feel and see things differently, to "take off their Rosy Glasses and get real". Some Mothers want to force Happiness and Peace b/c they know that that is what has pulled them out of the Big Black Hole of Loss.
It's A lot to Swallow. I try to read and be objective to all these truths, but sometimes it's hard.
I know, because of what I have experienced, that Peace can only come from within. We will never "find" peace by reading a blog or by demanding others to feel/think the same way I do. Never.
Peace is here with us. Always. It is the True essence of who and what we are. Grace is the Gift that helps us experience peace, but we must be still and breathe it in to experience that peace. The cost is FEELING our emotion, becoming one with it - whether happy or sad - and then trusting in the Divine Process, Healing is our Reward.
Today I choose Love. I'm done with Pain.

An Amazing Poem by Unknown Author. VERY Comforting.

My communications with M have been brief. I feel so confused and sad. She really doesn't want that much to do with me right now at this point in her life....can i blame her? I always thought that a semi=open adoption was a good thing....creating less confusion...boy was i wrong! How do i go back to living without her? Is it possible?

Okay, here's the poem. This is the last thing I shared with M.

TWO WOMEN
Once there were two women
Who hardly knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One becoming your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears
The age old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment -
which are you the product of ?
Neither my darling - neither
Just two different kinds of love!