:::::::Help Me Mama::::::::

Music often helps me express what i'm thinking and feeling but am unable to put into my own words.
Usually , They are thoughts and feelings that elude me - coming from a hidden place, blue skies and pain.
This song is by a friend of mine's band
Georgia Born  - Widespread Panic.
( Dave is also adopted and i got the pleasure of meeting his First Sister Lily and her husband before I moved from Athens - Dave had reunited with his First Family after his band became successful and was happy in reunion with all of them )
The song is called AUNT AVIS.
It's about Family.
Something I experienced a few times when i was very young, but then faded out into the abyss as I got older.
I don't know what its like to have big family dinners or parties or holidays.
The last one i remember was  preceded by an event that scarred me for life.
My mother told my grandmother ( who we had lived with from the time i was 5 until i was 12 )
That she was taking me away from her and that she would not see me again.
My grandmother had been drinking and grabbed a knife and chased my mother up the stairs and on top of her, trying to stab her while my grandfather and my mother's current boy-toy tried to pry her off before my mother ended up dead.
I stood there and watched. Never so scared in all my life. I was eleven.
That was the last "family" holiday memory i have.
I have never had a tribe to belong to. If i had, I know my whole life would have been different.
but that's rhetorical fantasy, so what's the point.
Well, my point to posting this video is that it's about Family. A Family that is being sung about and summoned, but that is non-existent.
...and in the video...Very Awkward. To this I can relate.
To this day, My Holiday "Family" Gatherings consist of Me, My Husband and our 2 Girls.
I finally have a Tribe. And for that I am Grateful.

LYRICS - Aunt Avis      ~ by: Widespread Panic
Help me mama, for I have grinned
Save me daddy from where I'm goin'
Call out to me from the ages beyond
Help me remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't


Help me granddaddy to see the swans
Strike me granny with your golden palm
Teach me now what I could never learn before
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't


Teach me Great Uncle to hear the talk
Show me Aunt Avis with your ageless chalk
Scratch it out for me on my cloudy retina
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I know I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I know I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't

Ten Thousand Words:::

I have been reading a lot of blogs the past few days. Blogs of Mothers, First Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, Adopted Children and Adult Children. I have read a slew of comments, I have seen and felt SO much emotion. I have started to SEE and FEEL how adoption affects people, I have cried and smiled. I have witnessed women just wanting so badly to be heard, but most importantly - to be Understood.
A lot of Words.
I have been saddened by some of these words, especially the words of mothers who have such pain that they try to make those of us who have that pain also but have chosen to heal and love through that pain - they have tried to push us back down with their words. cutting words. Words wrapped in eloquent intellectual and often biased anger and frustration. I get it. The pain is real.
The truth of it is that we, ourselves, are the only ones that can validate and heal our pain. noone else. That our peace and understanding come from within, not from without. We will never find peace attempting to coerce others to see and feel as we do. What we are all seeking through our blogs may differ, depending on our adoption experience. The common thread here is that we want a platform to express ourselves and to be heard.
Some mothers want and need support. Some mothers just want to vent. Some mothers want to share their Joy.
Some Mothers want only to share their Pain. Some Mothers want to advocate for change. Some Mothers want to help other Mothers, and some Don't. Some Mothers want to use Sarcasm and Demeaning Verbiage to tell other Mothers who feel and see things differently, to "take off their Rosy Glasses and get real". Some Mothers want to force Happiness and Peace b/c they know that that is what has pulled them out of the Big Black Hole of Loss.
It's A lot to Swallow. I try to read and be objective to all these truths, but sometimes it's hard.
I know, because of what I have experienced, that Peace can only come from within. We will never "find" peace by reading a blog or by demanding others to feel/think the same way I do. Never.
Peace is here with us. Always. It is the True essence of who and what we are. Grace is the Gift that helps us experience peace, but we must be still and breathe it in to experience that peace. The cost is FEELING our emotion, becoming one with it - whether happy or sad - and then trusting in the Divine Process, Healing is our Reward.
Today I choose Love. I'm done with Pain.