Who's Your Mommy ? Assuming the parenting role when The Adoptive Parent Fails.

:::::The Burden Of Truth::::: 

First Parent(s) Guiding their First Children when the Adoptive Parent Fails.

It's amazing how things unfold when we write them down in conversation , isn't it?

I have found that my healing has nothing to do with the actual writing process,  and has everything to do with our talking to each other. 

This Post is verbatim, A conversation and Bonding that I have been sharing with a new friend and an "Adoptee" { God, How i HATE writing that word ....as if that's all an "adoptee" Is! }

Here is my friend's Blog, Please visit her often, she is an incredible woman, mother and friend. :)

★ Jen - Always in My Heart: An Adoption Journey

I wish i knew back when M was in my tummy , what a burden adoption would be on Her, and me - emotionally.

I am not actually for certain that M *IS* burdened by adoption, that's why i am hesitant right now to really go there with her.

She has not ever eluded to me that she has been .... She has never once said anything negative.

She did only JUST turn 15.

She has told me that she is not angry with me. She tells me that she's had a good life. She also tells me she *hates* her A-Mom....and i have no idea why...if its b/c she is 15 and has rules...or if its more....she has never once mentioned her A-dad or her sister.....and i have asked about them. nothing. never a response. i do not know what to do...so i almost feel that i should not bring it up at all.

You know, stir the pot.

I fear she may not respond to the letter i sent her last night. 

She emailed me yesterday for the first time in over a month. She was heartbroken. had just broken up with her boyfriend after sharing her most intimate part of being with him. He was treating her poorly. I wanted to smack him! She asked for my advice. So i wrote her back and shared a similar story of mine with her and told her that most boys are jerks. That is is always important to honor ourselves as girls. To demand respect. My heart broke for her. I remember the agony of my first high school love. It was HELL.

I sent it last night at 2:30. she has a tendency to cut off contact when things are going good and start it back up when things suck....Hmmm...JUST LIKE ME. 

 i have to remind myself that this is all about her. I have no right to be hurt, or worried. i gave those rights up. this is my punishment. it is a VERY big pill to swallow even on the best of days. 

One day i will write a book about it i'm sure. 

So M has never wanted to talk about adoption. Not yet anyway. I feel like, and this goes with everything, that i want her to lead the way...and i will follow. I don't ever want to put something in her head that may have not been there before. ESPECIALLY since the only support she has is me. 

The whole reason i told M to tell her mom she found me was b/c i thought she needed support. After all, i can't be there for her.

And as far as i'm concerned , D took on that responsibility when she took the parenting role from me.
restated for the literal: D took on that responsibility when I GAVE THE PARENTING ROLE TO HER.

In my mind, effective parenting needs the parent to be able and willing to be objective.

In the words of Kahlil Gibran - " Our children are not ours, they are life's longing for itself "

Love and nurturing are separate. If emotions are involved with the teaching or guidance process, a conflict of interest is born...and that is DEFINITELY not beneficial to the child.

Children are NOT robots, they are not clones of us - they are extensions of the universe and should be revered as such.

My hope in all of this, is that the universe has brought M back to me during this most important time of her life for this reason.

Because D is failing her. That I needed to be the one. It's all so interesting isn't it? 

It's Beautiful. It's Tragic. It's Poetry. It's the essence of Love.

I am so incredibly grateful :)

I cannot figure out how D could , with good conscience, try to keep M from knowing me.

I know its all fear based. but it is a complete indicator on how , in my eyes, she has failed M as a "mother"

The Tapestry Of Adoption - In Response to Sister Blog: http://www.firstmotherforum.com/

Hello Mothers, I'm Kris - A Mother, A Birth Mother, A Natural Mother, A...Whatever Label You Like best... "Insert Here"...

I want to say First, that I am only here out of Love. To Support and To Be Supported. That's essentially what has brought us together isn't it?

And, Of Course, Our Experiences in Living With Adoption.

I have to say that My Heart and Head is SO Intensely FULL from what ALL I have read here tonight.
http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2010/02/anti-adoption-comes-to-superbowl-no.html

I am Grateful for all of you.

In my eyes, all of you women are Brave...Brave for sharing your hearts and your truth. It is through every one of your stories that I am able to become closer to my own truth in regards to my own experience with Adoption.

So, Thanks...XOX

I am 14 years along my journey of being a Birth Mother and 8 years along my journey of being a mother actively parenting two amazing spirited girls :)

I really do not want to respond to the "emotions" of what has been said here (although I will if anyone would like to know xox )

but rather lend to the "statistical" aspect of the ideas of coersion , regret, etc..

I do not regret giving my first child up for adoption. It was my only option.
{ My only regret is that I did not seek more knowledge about the process, and settled for the Adoptive Mom i chose, knowing what i know now...I would not have chosen this couple}

Part of my decision was "self-less" and the other part was "selfish".

I was not in any way ready to become an active mother/parent….

My healing process was awful (the first part anyhow) as I did not have counseling, was not offered counseling, did not know there was counseling, and had no support. (I am STILL healing, but i am being supported now, this has made a HUGE difference!)

I was so stupid at that time in my life and became totally self destructive after placement...of course i did not relate any of that back to the adoption.

I didn't know I was going to go through the grieving process just as if someone i loved had died - but when i look back, that is EXACTLY what was happening.

OK, back to my choice.

Choosing Adoption was my choice, completely.
The only "Coersion" that took place was in the form of legalities, the type of adoption i chose, and the clear fact that the Lawyer involved represented Me, The A-Parents AND the Adoption Agency...can u say Conflict of Interest???

Interestingly enough, my friends - roommate - and birth father were all for me choosing abortion,  even some of my family...

The rest of my family (which isn't as big as it sounds ) wanted me to keep my baby.

I was an only child, my mother was a single parent, and i did not and still don't have a healthy relationship with her...controlling, guilt driven, PATHOLOGICALLY NARCISSISTIC etc...and I was in NO WAY going to let her raise or help raise that child...

She even went so far as to buy me baby stuff, even after I told her that I was choosing adoption.

It was awful.

I chose adoption. I had 2 very close friends growing up that were adopted, they had great lives, loving families and this is what my gut and heart was telling me to do.

I am totally Pro-Choice, but when I thought about getting an abortion, I knew it wasn't the decision for me.

So I opened up the phonebook and found an attorney who specialized in adoption.

I went through this whole journey by myself.

I am far from a cold and callous person, i'm actually quite emotional and sentimental...so i worked hard at detaching from my emotions right from the beginning.

At the time, it was all i knew...

I was sent a few profiles from some prospective couples and one hit me hard...

Both on their 2nd marriage, had multiple miscarriages, 2 failed placements.... did they seem like good folks, like they would make good parents?? sure. What the heck did i know....

They flew down to Florida and we met at a restaurant and we talked for hours. I had a list of questions ( not like i had the right...but then i was immature, young and didn't know much about life etc...)

So, I chose them. I carried M to term, called them when i went into labor and they flew down. I chose not to hold her after birth...I couldn't....I wasn't sure how i could deal with it - so i protected myself the only ways i knew how. I don't think i would have let her go if i had...

Again, I was alone...I didn't know what i was doing from a "mature" standpoint. And everyone seemed totally against the decision i had made xox

I didn't even know i had "options" post placement...so i chose what i know now to be "semi-open"

I knew I could not give this child stability and security.

I had SO much "growing-up" to do.

I learned a lot from this experience.

 I am still learning, and it is an ever-evolving dynamic.

I have had to allow myself to grieve just as i have had to let myself have joy for choosing what was best at that time.

The only thing I regret is not taking better care of myself, but i didn't know how.

Yes, it has been hard to receive letters every year where the adoptive mom writes:"MY little girl, My M, My, My Etc..." but that's what I chose, right?

I absolutely LOVED getting pictures however - It has been amazing watching her grow, seeing her blossom, examining her features.

Sadness and Joy.

One cannot exist without the other.

Perception can be a double edged sword...or it can be a gift, of Love and Hope.

All of our experiences are different. Some of our experiences are sadder than others...some filled with joy and gratitude....It's the Tapestry of Adoption. It is Complete.

My LOVE, Sincerely to all of you strong, beautiful women...XOX

Mama K.