Friday, September 10, 2010

:::: ★ Adoption Perspectives ★ :::: PART 1

Let me start off this post with a quick sentence of Truth:

We ALL have different Perspectives.

While this is a completely natural occurrence and a refreshing fact of life, In Adoption Land - it can be downright overwhelming, emotional and frustrating.

Now, you see, I can really only know and own my own perspective on what is and what should be, as a Natural Mother. I am only part of the Equation - There is Adoptee and Adoptive Parent(s) too! Add all our perspectives together and .....Drum Roll....We now have a recipe for DISASTER! Ugg.

Ok. There are many adoptions out there that are harmonious, filled with love and understanding on all 3 of the factors' accounts...and , don't get me wrong...this is wonderful! And i would be lying to say that i am not envious of, in my triad  - this is not so. My triad is filled with confusion, doubt, fear, jealousy, anger, resentment, guilt...You get the drift.

Lets break it down.

The Past - 15 Years Ago

A) Natural Mom/First Mom/Birthmom: ME  ~  1/3

I am but one third of the equation.
I am a teenager. I am an addict. I am selfish, self-centered and totally and undeniably self destructive. I spend the best of my high school years in Foster Care b/c my mother does not and cannot control me. She has abused me emotionally and physically for years. I am a liar and a thief. I hate my mother. I hate myself.
 I become pregnant.
 I know there is no way I can take care of a baby. Not monetarily...b/c that is really not the issue - i mean it is, but not really. I have other friends who are parenting babies and have nothing.
I am chock full of all the bad conditioning I have been privy to, and I don't know my head from my ass. I am a wreck. I do not want to destroy an innocent baby's life with the Hell in which I live in. I am as immature & as screwed up as can be.
Everyone has an opinion. My family ... and mother...want me to keep the baby. My mother says she will help. eHEM. The rest of my family just cannot believe i would even consider adoption as an option and shuns me in many ways.
My room-mate and boyfriend think I should get an abortion. I am scared and alone. I call an adoption attorney. I am not looking for money, or a pat on the back. I am looking for a safe home, with a stable married couple who wants to adopt so I can get this innocent child as far from my family as possible. Abortion just didn't settle right with me.
I find an Adoption Attorney a few cities away. I think he represents me and the baby. Noone tells me any different.
I am a Fool. I am never told there are options in adoption.
I am alone and have no guidance. I blindly and foolishly never notice the Conflict of Interest.
The prospective Adoptive parents fly down to Florida and I ask questions and have requests for raising her, how they would raise her. They make a good impression and seem very nice. They assure me that they will do everything I ask and that as soon as my child knows what a mother is, they will tell her about me. I am relieved. I choose them.
I spend the next 7 months having to explain myself to everyone and continuing to be abused by everyone in my family.
I go into labor, and my mother calls Adoptive Mom, they fly down and are there when M is born. Adoptive mom looks into my eyes just after birthing my baby and tells me i am her angel and that she will tell M all about me.
After I go home from the hospital, I get an 8-ball, head to the beach with 2 friends and get as high and drunk as I could.
The next 5 years follows in the same manner...only worse. I become a Junky. I do everything in my control to escape reality.

B)Prospective Adoptive Couple/Re-Married Middle Aged Woman/Adoptive Mother: D.B. ~ 1/3
(wow! I just noticed she has the same initials as my mother! beyond irony i'm afraid )

Note:This is all speculation. As all I have to lend to the facts is my perception ie:Hindsight.

D is a middle aged woman with no children and is on her 2nd marriage. She wants to have a baby so bad and is beat down and ragged emotionally from multiple miscarriages and 2 failed adoptions. She receives a call from the attorney they sent their profile to thousands of miles away b/c they(she) is desperate.
A girl who is pregnant and considering adoption is interested in meeting them due to her request that the family be from her home sector: NY, NJ, CT.
D is excited and terrified. She has been through so much emotionally, mentally and physically already - wants to have a "family", but does not know if she can handle a failed placement again. They fly down to Florida to meet the "birthmom" (ME) and know they have but one shot at a good impression. The fate of her life hangs in the balance. She is overwhelmed, but being a professional businesswoman ( a lawyer ) she can put her game face on and " bring it home " !
They all sit in a booth at a local Steakhouse waiting for pregnant girl to arrive, they are coached as to what to say and what not to say and the possible state of the pregnant girl.
Everyone is prepped and coached and supported...all except pregnant girl.
Pregnant Girl has never even heard of an "Open Adoption" or the term Open Adoption so D already has the playing field advantage.
D tells Pregnant Girl everything she wants to hear, and pays close attention to the verbiage of pregnant girl's hopes and dreams for her child to be sure they say what she needs to hear to close the deal. Pregnant Girl thinks they are great and thus becomes known to D as...Her child's "Birthmother".
D flies back to NY, trembling. She stands in the nursery made for 2 former babies and cries. She decides to not even do anything yet. She can't. She sets up a toll free number for her baby's birthmother - only birthmother did not know it was only for when she went into labor - and calls D often with updates. This makes D uncomfortable, but she is good at pretending...or so she thinks...and tries to act interested in the progress.
Meanwhile, and unbeknownst to Pregnant Girl, D gets a call from the attorney and he tells her that he has recieved a call from Birthmom's family saying that birthmom is using drugs, drinking and has even taken lsd while pregnant. Does she still want to go through with this pregnant girl? She says yes b/c she just wants a baby so bad, she doesn't care. She begins to form all sorts of opinions about birthmom based on the hearsay, b/c she has no reason to believe it not to be true.
The next time birthmom calls the toll-free number, D decides to tell birthmom that she is a little hesitant. That she has gone through two failed placements and does not feel like she can set up the nursery...because this particular phone call was a special one....IT'S A GIRL!!!
Pregnant Girl, who is always thinking of other people even though it does not seem that way...assures D that she will not change her mind. she promises D that the baby in her belly will be D's - she has her word. Pregnant Girl pleads with D to start getting the nursery ready, to enjoy doing it and to stop worrying b/c there is nothing to fear. D wants so badly to believe birthmom, and almost does....but not quite.
One day, in late August, D gets an emotional phone call from birthmom's mother who tells her that the baby is coming. D and her husband get on the next plane, along with D's in-laws and they all fly down to Florida. D and family wait, awkwardly and excitedly in the waiting area of the maternity ward with birthmom's family. She goes through an array of thoughts and emotions while she watches and listens to Birthmom's family b/c they seem so...nice, and well educated, and normal. She starts to worry more b/c she believes b/c of this reason that pregnant girl could change her mind, given that she assumes the girl has not just monetary means but a good family as well.
Before she can decide what to believe, The birthmom's mother comes out crying and says that the baby is born and is healthy!
And that while they clean the baby girl, they can go visit birthmom in the room if they want. D wishes she could grab the baby and go for a second, but then comes back to reality and knows she must go see birthmom and save face, the moment of truth is upon her.
D is in a black-out as she approaches birthmom and hears, "congratulations! You are the proud mother of a baby girl!"
D looks down at birthmom in awe, and smiles the biggest smile of her 43 years on earth and starts to cry. she repeats thank you half a dozen times, kisses K on her forehead and says gently, "You are our angel, and as soon as your baby knows what a mother is, i promise to tell her all about you. thank you. oh, thank you"
Meanwhile, in the nursey, birthmom's mom is feeding the baby for the first time in her little life and crying. she tells her she will see her again one day, that God promised her that. Birthgrandma who is 3 years younger than D does not want to let go and continues to torture herself, sings to the baby and cries.

D leaves the hospital with family in tow to stay at a hotel until she can take her baby home. She never sees or talks to the baby's mother again.She is complete.

D finally has everything she has always wanted. A loving husband and now...her baby. All her self-induced stress is gone. 2 months later she is pregnant with a girl. D cannot believe that at 43 she is pregnant, D does not miscarry and she gives birth to a baby girl that is her very own, hers and the man that she loves.
It's a miracle.
The years pass and M and her sister and their parents live happily. She sends one letter and 2 pictures a year to the adoption agency for birthmom, but they never speak. She is relieved that they have a closed adoption and is reluctant to even tell M that she is adopted when the time comes, but tells her anyway. When M is old enough, instead of telling M that her mother was an angel, she tells her that she was a drug addict who could not take care of a baby. She tries to plant the seeds that will keep the 2 separate - forever.

C) E.L.S/Adoptee : Sweet M  ~  1/3

M is not really M, she is E. An unborn baby girl with a good Irish name who will surely have lots of freckles and a beautiful smile just like her mother.In utero, she experiences a lot of life already. more than she ever will outside her mothers tummy. It is not the healthiest enviroment for E, b/c her mother is not well and does not know how to take care of herself, but knows her mother is trying because her mother talks to her and tells her so.  E and her mother move several times and life is both chaotic, emotional and confusing.
E does not have a choice. E does not have a voice.
E goes to loud concerts and travels and for the 4 months before she is born, she goes snorkeling and hiking and swimming all the time - just her and her mom.
E hears the constant turmoil that is going on outside her mother's tummy. She hears people yelling at her mom and making her feel bad all the time. They even had to sleep on the floor of her aunt and uncles house for months b/c they were not allowed to sleep on the couch. E could not wait to get out. But she never really knew that she would be separated from her mother right away. If she had, she may have never decided to come out. E learned a lot about life inside her mothers belly. Probably too much too soon. Thank God that the uterus was like Fort Knox, b/c she may have never even made it out alive due to her mother's constant selfish bad decision making. If it was at all possible to form a resentment in utero against her mother  for her was done.
E did not have a choice. E did not have a voice.
When E was born, she was whisked away from her mother instantly and felt the cold uncaring hands of a doctor. Then, she was passed off, like a tiny football to a nurse who poked and prodded her and she was scared.
She needed and wanted to get back to her mother, but that moment never came.
The first feeling of love and warmth that she experienced was from her mother's mother. she was confused.
Then later, she was held and coddled by a woman whose voice she had never heard. A voice that told her that she was her mother now.
This voice called her by a different name.
M had no choice. She now had a voice, but noone heard.
M grew up in a home where she always felt different and knew she was different.
Her sister was not different. And while M felt special b/c of that, she resented it just as much.
M was very happy. But it was a happiness that was very different from her parents and her sisters'. M was very popular. While her mom and dad and sister blended into the background.
M's sister enjoyed being with their parents. M enjoyed being with her friends.
M became talented in many ways that were surprising and different to everyone.
M had a way about her that was different.
Every year that passed, the difference became more noticeable.
Whenever her sister would embarrass her in front of her friends, M would put her hand on her hip and with a huff would say, "don't look at me, i'm adopted. hmpf".
When M was in middle school, she started to feel like something was missing from her life. M knew what it was. It was her birthmother and her family.
She wondered if the "differentness" she had always felt, that they felt it too.
She had a Dreamcatcher that her birthmom had made her up in her room and would loom at it often, as it was the only thing in her room that was different.
M started to give her parents trouble. The things that were important to them, were not important to her. M would rather be laughing and having a good time.
M could not figure out why that was so "different".
M had all the creature comforts that could be afforded. M never even contemplated that there was a different kind of existence. M wondered why her mother chose to give her away. She was not angry or upset, b/c M had a good life. M was so curious that one day while her parents were out, she snooped around and found some paperwork from the agency that had her birthmother's name on it. Without telling anyone, M started to search for her birthmother.
After some months of searching, she finally found her! She was so excited and nervous and innocent. There was no way for her to know the dominoes that would start to fall b/c of this simple note she emailed to her real mother on day.
"Hi! It's M....Your Daughter".
M's life would never be the same.
M finally had a choice. M finally had a voice. ...Or so she thought...

The next part of my take on Adoption Perspectives will be based solely on the present. 
It will be based on where I perceive each one of us to be at right now.The point to this is to gain a little more understanding of why each one of us acts and reacts the way we do.
All pieces to the same puzzle, yet all so very very different.
I hope that some of you will decide to take this journey with me.
I will write as objectively as possible...if it IS possible.
We shall see....


Let me has been quite some time since I have written on my blog about adoption. I have been reading a lot of other's blogs and commenting around, but today I was inspired to get back at it after reading another's natural mom's post from yesterday entitled:



I am in gratitude to Denise for inspiring me to write again after so long of a sebbatical. I always appreciate objectivism and the Right to WRITE :o)

Who's Your Mommy ? Assuming the parenting role when The Adoptive Parent Fails.

:::::The Burden Of Truth::::: 

First Parent(s) Guiding their First Children when the Adoptive Parent Fails.

It's amazing how things unfold when we write them down in conversation , isn't it?

I have found that my healing has nothing to do with the actual writing process,  and has everything to do with our talking to each other. 

This Post is verbatim, A conversation and Bonding that I have been sharing with a new friend and an "Adoptee" { God, How i HATE writing that word if that's all an "adoptee" Is! }

Here is my friend's Blog, Please visit her often, she is an incredible woman, mother and friend. :)

I wish i knew back when M was in my tummy , what a burden adoption would be on Her, and me - emotionally.
I am not actually for certain that M *IS* burdened by adoption, that's why i am hesitant right now to really go there with her.
She has not ever eluded to me that she has been .... She has never once said anything negative.

She did only JUST turn 15.

She has told me that she is not angry with me. She tells me that she's had a good life. She also tells me she *hates* her A-Mom....and i have no idea why...if its b/c she is 15 and has rules...or if its more....she has never once mentioned her A-dad or her sister.....and i have asked about them. nothing. never a response. i do not know what to i almost feel that i should not bring it up at all.

You know, stir the pot.

I fear she may not respond to the letter i sent her last night. 
She emailed me yesterday for the first time in over a month. She was heartbroken. had just broken up with her boyfriend after sharing her most intimate part of being with him. He was treating her poorly. I wanted to smack him! She asked for my advice. So i wrote her back and shared a similar story of mine with her and told her that most boys are jerks. That is is always important to honor ourselves as girls. To demand respect. My heart broke for her. I remember the agony of my first high school love. It was HELL.
I sent it last night at 2:30. she has a tendency to cut off contact when things are going good and start it back up when things suck....Hmmm...JUST LIKE ME. 
 i have to remind myself that this is all about her. I have no right to be hurt, or worried. i gave those rights up. this is my punishment. it is a VERY big pill to swallow even on the best of days. 
One day i will write a book about it i'm sure. 

So M has never wanted to talk about adoption. Not yet anyway. I feel like, and this goes with everything, that i want her to lead the way...and i will follow. I don't ever want to put something in her head that may have not been there before. ESPECIALLY since the only support she has is me. 
The whole reason i told M to tell her mom she found me was b/c i thought she needed support. After all, i can't be there for her.
And as far as i'm concerned , D took on that responsibility when she took the parenting role from me.
restated for the literal: D took on that responsibility when I GAVE THE PARENTING ROLE TO HER.
In my mind, effective parenting needs the parent to be able and willing to be objective.
In the words of Kahlil Gibran - " Our children are not ours, they are life's longing for itself "
Love and nurturing are separate. If emotions are involved with the teaching or guidance process, a conflict of interest is born...and that is DEFINITELY not beneficial to the child.
Children are NOT robots, they are not clones of us - they are extensions of the universe and should be revered as such.
My hope in all of this, is that the universe has brought M back to me during this most important time of her life for this reason.
Because D is failing her. That I needed to be the one. It's all so interesting isn't it? 
It's Beautiful. It's Tragic. It's Poetry. It's the essence of Love.
I am so incredibly grateful :)

I cannot figure out how D could , with good conscience, try to keep M from knowing me.
I know its all fear based. but it is a complete indicator on how , in my eyes, she has failed M as a "mother"

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Mtv's 16 & Pregnant : Reunion Show - Life After labor

My head is still reeling from watching and listening to all these young women. I never watched any of these episodes while they were on TV, just the snippets on the web.
This reunion show is interesting. I enjoyed watching the girls that chose to parent. So Emotional.
Amazingly, more girls chose to parent than not. I wish them all the best. I think I am still in shock that this has
actually made it to Reality TV. Well, Not really.

Dr. Drew states that the US has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the world.

Catelynn and Tyler are the kids that chose adoption. You can watch some of their story here:

Warning: YOU WILL CRY!!!

I don't know. Something has completely changed in me.

I look at Catelynn and Tyler and they were the most stable couple in my eyes. I wish they would have chose to parent. But all in all, they did what they chose to do. A BIG part of me has to wonder though...what kind of pressure they must have felt being on Mtv ...would they have chose to parent if they weren't? SO Sad. :(

 If you fast forward the reunion video to 30:00, you will come in to them reuniting with Baby Carly and Adoptive Mom and Dad. I just cried and cried. Adoptive Mom seems really sweet. And you can tell that Catelynn and Tyler LOVE and Miss their baby. :(
Dr. Drew peeves me a little. He commends Catelynn and Tyler SOO much more than the other girls who chose to parent! It makes me mad! I mean, these kids could have done it! What makes them better then the ones that ARE doing it!!
The saddest part is that these kids i think have a false hope, and i'm not certain of this but they chose a Semi-Open adoption. See, i got one of these too. I never knew or realized what it ever meant...until it was TOO LATE. I have a sinking feeling that these guys do not either.
And when the Adoptive parents were asked what they thought of Catelynn and Tyler ... They NEVER answered! They only talked about their choice- what they did for them. They most likely think they're white trash and can't wait till all the hype is over so they don't have to see them again.
Ugh. I hate when i get all negative.
Dr. Drew gives the other ones, who chose to parent hell, critcizes, patronizes, "busts balls" - but THEY ARE DOING IT! Damn that's screwed up.
But it wouldn't have made the ratings then would it?? Why do we , as a nation, emulate Adoption to the extent that we do?? Why? It is just as much a separation and unnatural process as abortion. You don't see people going around emulating abortion do you?

Yet the pain from the two might as well be one in the same. People talk about how if you dare get an abortion, you will live with the guilt for the rest of your life. You may never heal. It will haunt you.
Well, I feel that way about adoption.

Now guilt is NO reason to keep a baby. I know. But , I just think that, Here is Dr. Drew ON Mtv, he states that we have a teenage pregnancy epidemic. More than any other nation.
Well. What's the solution? Push Adoption? In the year 2060 will there be more unnatural families than not??
Just as the "Nuclear Family" was born , what next...The Adoptive Family??

You say, " Well, Whats wrong with that? " ...IT'S UNNATURAL.

Here's the deal. And i SO feel for Catelynn. Everyone , says: Oh what a Brave thing You did. You are to be commended. You are so great for being so incredibly selfLESS etc etc....

This...and i KNOW NOT the case. I believed it myself b/c people said it to me over and over. I believed it until reality struck and the bones of adoption fell out of the closet. ANYONE can have a baby.
Why do people commend adoption and not abortion? Other than religion?
Adoption IS selfish. We just make ourselves believe its not. These kids wanted to live their life baby free.
Bottom line. But did they??? You can totally see that these kids LOVE this baby they created. They both have a TON of emotion about it. You can tell that noone has talked to them about the guilt, the regret, the pain they will most likely endure b/c they gave their child away, yet it is clear to me that they already feel it.
And here comes two people, now the parents of their child and they couldn't be further from these kids socio economic will this come into play?

Here is what I think.


There. I said it.

How do you expect to bond with someone and have a good relationship with them if you don't eat at the same lunch table ( stupid  metaphor, i know )? You really don't. You're different. And in our society, that's become pretty obviously important. You don't see rich people...even middle class people hanging out with poor people. It's strange. And no amount of pretending it ain't so will make it any different.
{you know i'm frustrated when i say things like *ain't*} jeesh.

My point. Choosing Adoption is BOTH selfish AND self-less, JUST as choosing Abortion is selfish AND self-less, JUST as choosing to parent is both selfish AND self-less.

So why do we revere one over the other? How does this set mothers up for the pain and regret?
Very Well, Thank You.
I wish when everyone gave me my cross, they would have told me that i was going to drag it around behind  me forever.

Please forgive me. I'm just appalled at all the Glam.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

:::::::Help Me Mama::::::::

Music often helps me express what i'm thinking and feeling but am unable to put into my own words.
Usually , They are thoughts and feelings that elude me - coming from a hidden place, blue skies and pain.
This song is by a friend of mine's band
Georgia Born  - Widespread Panic.
( Dave is also adopted and i got the pleasure of meeting his First Sister Lily and her husband before I moved from Athens - Dave had reunited with his First Family after his band became successful and was happy in reunion with all of them )
The song is called AUNT AVIS.
It's about Family.
Something I experienced a few times when i was very young, but then faded out into the abyss as I got older.
I don't know what its like to have big family dinners or parties or holidays.
The last one i remember was  preceded by an event that scarred me for life.
My mother told my grandmother ( who we had lived with from the time i was 5 until i was 12 )
That she was taking me away from her and that she would not see me again.
My grandmother had been drinking and grabbed a knife and chased my mother up the stairs and on top of her, trying to stab her while my grandfather and my mother's current boy-toy tried to pry her off before my mother ended up dead.
I stood there and watched. Never so scared in all my life. I was eleven.
That was the last "family" holiday memory i have.
I have never had a tribe to belong to. If i had, I know my whole life would have been different.
but that's rhetorical fantasy, so what's the point.
Well, my point to posting this video is that it's about Family. A Family that is being sung about and summoned, but that is non-existent.
...and in the video...Very Awkward. To this I can relate.
To this day, My Holiday "Family" Gatherings consist of Me, My Husband and our 2 Girls.
I finally have a Tribe. And for that I am Grateful.

LYRICS - Aunt Avis      ~ by: Widespread Panic

Help me mama, for I have grinned
Save me daddy from where I'm goin'
Call out to me from the ages beyond
Help me remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't

Help me granddaddy to see the swans
Strike me granny with your golden palm
Teach me now what I could never learn before
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't

Teach me Great Uncle to hear the talk
Show me Aunt Avis with your ageless chalk
Scratch it out for me on my cloudy retina
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I know I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I know I really shouldn't
How to remember how to be good
How to continue when I feel I really shouldn't

Monday, September 6, 2010

THE DEMONIZED MOTHER by Margaret McDonald Lawrence

Promoting Infant Adoption

by Margaret McDonald Lawrence

(From a speech to The First National American Adoption Congress, Washington D.C. May 4, 1979)

No-one could have encapsulated the need of the adoption industry to manufacture the demonization of the natural mother as the most pivotal and necessary requirement in the promotion of, and social acceptance of adoption, as Lawrence when she states how:

In order to bring the issues surrounding the intermediary system into clear focus, it is necessary to examine the myths and motives that surround the adoption experience. Outsiders need to realize that social agencies not only control adoption procedures, but also control the information about the institution which is provided to the courts, the legislature and the public.
It is the child welfare establishment that has provided the picture of [natural] mothers as indifferent - as mothers who abandon their unwanted children with a wish to remain forever hidden from them. They know that this is seldom true, but it helps to facilitate their work for the public to believe this. Society does not dismiss the importance of the natural family as readily as the social planners, and so it is useful to portray [surrendering] parents as different from caring parents.
The [natural] mother must be different, an aberration; for if it were true that she had the same degree of love for her child as all other mothers, the good of adoption would be overwhelmed by the tragedy of it. Adoptive parents are somewhat relieved of guilt if they can be assured that the [natural] parents truly did not want their child; for, under those circumstances, it is possible to feel entitled to claim the child of others. Neither society nor the mother who holds the child in her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother from whose arms that same child was taken. But that agony is real, as we have come to learn through our experience with reunions.

If you REALLY want to learn some Raw Truth about Adoption, Adoption Practices and The Triad Myth , I suggest you take a look here:



Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Adoption Story:::And then Some.

Adoption Story, Adoption Truth

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
- Unknown

Welcome Home:::


 I surrendered my first child to adoption at birth.
I was an extremely unstable teen. Mixed Up in every way imaginable. An only child, abused and neglected by my mother for many years.
My Grandmother Says she should have never had children.
I was a product of this. I was an addict and I was also a cutter.
I had no clue how to function at all. All I knew what self-destruction and that there was no way I would bring an innocent baby into my world. My family's World.
Eventually we would be torn to shreds. My Mother would take her from me and have me commited, just as she did 4 years Prior...and then...well, I shuddered to think.
I went through the pregnancy with little to no support. abused while I was pregnant. The only person that offered help was the person who crippled me, Mommy Dearest.
Over my dead body would she get her hands on my baby. To Me, It was life or death.
I was It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.
I tried to make it okay in my mind, but the only time I ever felt safe was with her inside me, and I knew it couldn't last.
My Mother. My biggest Enemy. My worst Fear.

The attorney I contacted sent the PAP's profile to me in the mail and i liked what i read about them. (I mean, to me...anything was better than Me and the Monster)
Interests:Cooking, Skiing, Camping...Profession: Attorney & CPA...Building a home in CT. 45 & 43 Years Old. Second Marriage.
One thing was obviously for certain - they wanted/needed a baby in their lives terribly to be adopting at their ages. (in hindsight, i realize how detrimental this thought process is...but how could i have known then...? )
They both flew down to meet me from New York. I interviewed them for hours – I had specific requests and questions on how they planned to raise M.
I had been lied to by Monster for so long, I couldn't tell a lie or a scam if it hit me between the eyes. (Pretty Disgusting looking back)
After hours of interrogation and what I thought to be a good conversation, They assured me that everything I had requested was what they would plan to do anyway, and naively I assumed it was destiny.
I Just knew they would be wonderful parents! ( Hopefully you have figured out by now that i didn't know ANYTHING ).
My prospective adoptive mom had had multiple miscarriages, survived two failed placements at birth and both she and her husband were on their 2nd marriage and in their early to mid 40’s ( Yet another ill-informed decision on my part, I couldn't have imagined the distance M would feel growing up with older parents....) They had gone through 2 adoptions where the birth moms had changed their mind at the last minute. They wanted a baby so bad, (Only now do i see the dichotomy of these words, and how unhealthy this really is...) and i was so disillusioned I actually felt grateful to be able to give my baby to two wonderful people who would give her stability, love and opportunity. ( See, I thought they were wonderful then, I'm sure *know* they put their game face on for me, I feel pretty used today...)
I thought Often.....There must have been something greater than me that led me to this decision as I was the most immature and selfish 19 year old girl in the universe…Now the sad part, is that when I got the phone book and looked for an Adoption Attorney, I actually thought that this Attorney represented me. Pretty Stupid Huh? I mean, I was the one that called them, right??
Not anyone involved once informed me of any Adoption Options, I only assumed there was one kind - Closed. I didn't think I had any rights. I never had any rights. Ever. Why would this be any different. I was so unsuspecting. So incredibly naive.
I was told I could have an open adoption...
This meant one letter, 2 pictures a year ( they said letters and pictures...i actually thought i would get more, and i don't recall there being fine print...)
Wow! That was more than I had hoped for!
I honestly felt that I didn't even deserve that much. I was a horrible person. Even more horrible of a person now that I was giving my baby away. Surely I was just like my mother.
Now, My Father ( who my mother left when i was 3 ) had just taken his life 2 months before I became pregnant. Rewind 1 year - I dropped out of High School, didn't tell anyone where I was going, not one person, got on a train bound for NY, and ended up with my father who I hadn't seen in 5 years. Our reunion was incredible. Until his wife said i needed to go. I got to know my dad, finally. And he got to know me. He told me he wanted to die. He hated his life.
I got mad at him. Told him not to tell me things like that. I moved back to Fl. in June and
3 months later, He was gone.
It seemed like God hated me. I hated me.
My Paternal Grandmother told me it was my fault he was dead. If I loved him more. If i stayed up in NJ....Now, I was going to give a baby away. She wanted nothing to do with me.
To this day...I have talked to her maybe 6 times in 15 years and she always without fail...asks about " the baby "
Fast Forward 1 year from my father's Death. Almost to the day. M was Born.
I wanted so bad to hold her. I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would never let her go.
I gave her a name. Her first name. And her last name...was mine and my father's.
I was very sad when they changed it.
Every Year on her birthday, I take out her Birth Certificate ..with her little footprints...and Cry.
I did not realize the ramifications of what carrying M inside me would do to my psyche.
I tried to block out my emotions during the pregnancy. I was very ignorant of the innate bonding that happens while pregnant as well as the nesting aspect and the hormones. I didn’t know until hindsight that god and the universe actually prepared you during pregnancy to become a mother. I didn’t know. So there I was, post birth – alone. confused.
2 weeks later, I was messed up. I had it in for myself for sure. A snowball effect. Not sure how I survived.

I LOVED getting the pictures - I would go in my closet and sit down in the very back and stare at them, kiss her, and cry.
I sort of liked reading the letters all except for the 10 or so redundant words that read: my daughter, my little girl, my, my, my – that was a little overkill for this feeling, unstable twenty-something )
I was pretty saddened by this, but thought that this would probably be what was best for her.
I mean, I had made my choice, right? The less confusion the better.
( Now i see the fear, the control, now i am paying for it - M is paying for it )

I continued a downward spiral for the next few years, more loss, more pain, trying to escape in every way imaginable. I became hard. I learned about life on the streets. I dealt Drugs. I slept wherever I could. I couldn't hold a job. I stole. I cheated. I lied. I did whatever I could to survive. I always made sure to visit my mother and step fathers house though, so I could get that one letter, two pictures a year. I carried her pictures and her birth certificate with me everywhere I went. The only thing that gave me hope. Was that she was safe and loved with a good life. A life i couldn't imagine, but tried.

I had a lot of growing to do.
I escaped from these feelings in many unhealthy ways throughout the next 5 years. I was my own demise.
Something was missing from my life. Until I had my other two daughters and realized exactly what had happened….I was prepared to be a mother, and hung myself out to dry.
I forced myself to have a positive outlook on the adoption.( Denial is probably a more accurate word )
I suppose I had to. This was the only way I survived the pain of the loss.
I found myself shackled and in front of a judge when I was 25. For the 2nd time in just a couple years. This judge swung her gavel of fate and so I sit here today because of it.
I chose Rehab instead of Jail and started my trek uphill.
I was court ordered to meetings. They saved my Life. They gave me a life.
A sponsor taught me in just a few months what my mother should have in 15 years.
Just as if I were a baby, I learned how to live. From everyone but my own family.
Fast Forward 1 year. 2001. I met my now husband and became pregnant with A only 2 months after we met. With my new found life skills I was certain I could do it. I would do whatever it took.
A saved my life.
Fast Forward 8 years.
Defying all odds and personality differences my husband and me are still together, and parenting our 2 daughters. Life is still a struggle, but its SO much better than it ever has been.
I have grown by leaps and bounds due to stubborness, My husband and these little girls who teach me more and more every day I wake up.
November 6th, 2009. The day after E's 6th Birthday.
I never knew my first childs last name or where she lived until this day when i opened my email and found a note in my facebook inbox that read: hey, it’s m******, your daughter.
My eyes filled with tears. My heart lept. I was in shock.
A and E both know that they have a sister I gave up for adoption as we have pictures of her in the house and talk about her on birthdays, holidays, whenever… They all came running into the room – I was shouting out loud uncontrollably with disbelief and joy and as i was crying I hugged my girls and told them that their sister had found me! That she had found US!
I always knew that she would find me one day b/c she just had to have my curious and sentimental genes!
It was the happiest day of my life!!

I never thought it would be at 14 years old however, and her adoptive mom and dad didn't know.
Turns out she did it in secret.

( well, they do now, upon my request and urging - and it has completely and totally backfired on both myself and M - D will not talk to me, answer my letters. M has been forbidden to communicate with me. )

Here is the interesting part. My Mother just happened to be visiting when I got M's email. I was just so excited, I wanted to tell everyone! I forgot who i was dealing with. My excitement turned to shock and disbelief as my mother looked at me sternly and uttered - I hope you are not planning on writing her back. You made an agreement. You need to ignore her.

Holy Crap! Did that just come out of my mother's mouth?!? Yup.

I looked at her with disgust and said swiftly, Of Course I am writing her back! That's my child!
I would Never EVER Ignore Her!

...and the rest of the visit was awkward as usual and ended in its usual way, of her leaving in a huff from things not going her way.

Now, this is the edited version of the first time I wrote of this account. The first version was full of Fluff and Denial. So much so, I could not believe I actually wrote the words myself.
Boy, reality sure has a way of smacking you down...well, smacking ME down. xox

That was November. Christmas was a train wreck up at my mother's house...more abuse, more lies.
In January this year, I cut off all communication with her. My Mother that is. After educating myself on what she really is and coming to terms with it, I realized that there is no way to have a relationship with her. She is a Pathological Narcissist. I have agreed through my husband that she can see and be with A and E when she comes to visit, but she is no longer welcome in my home, and for as long as she continues to lie, steal, abuse, control and deny reality on all accounts. It has been the greatest freedom I have ever know. I have no regrets. I am at peace for the first time . ever.

Back to M -

I didn’t want to ruin the reunion by telling her what to do, but I felt like I HAD let her know that it was VERY important that she tell her mom she found me.
I just wanted to do what’s right.
It has all been so overwhelming. Especially in the beginning.
I am SO incredibly happy that my first child has found me and I would love nothing more than to have a special relationship with her now, and get to know her for the beautiful and talented young woman that she is becoming.
But that's not quite what is happening.

I wish I had a better outcome to write about, but that is simply just not the case.
I have been threatened by the agency. I have been told I am not allowed to contact her and if M contacts me, I am to ignore her.
Which I am not doing BTW. I will never ignore one of my children. Ever.
I have been "defriended" twice, for reasons i dare not ask.
I have been able to tell M all the important things that needed to be said, for now.
She knows I love her.
I was just able to celebrate her 15th birthday with her by sending her a big box full of goodies and Love. I had to send it to her friend's house, but i'll take that.
She was writing me everyday up until 2 weeks ago and then she stopped. Again.
I honestly feel like a fish on a hook. I am trying to be as rational about it all as possible.
I started taking anti-depressants 4 months ago.
I am trying to hold on for dear life.
Some days are better than others ( I am also dealing with a painful and chronic illness I was diagnosed with a year and a half ago....which sucks...)
The minute I dare ask God, what's next...rar...u know. So, forget it.
Roll with the punches?
So where do we go from here?
One foot in front of the other like always?

Will her adoptive mom be receptive to her wanting to know me? ( NOPE )
Will I survive the rejection if she doesn’t?( I am surviving only b/c I have started blogging and reading the real stories of others that have been living with Adoption )
Will M want to get to know me more? Or is this it?

Some days I feel like I deserve what I get. That Karma is a bitch.
Other days, i just don't even know what to think.
I know that I want M to be happy, so whatever that is to her, is what I will accept.
I know that it will break my heart if she decides to shun me, but that I will never give up or let go...never.

Life is so incredibly intense sometimes. Most Times in My case.

I am constantly reminding myself that it is not about me, that this journey is about Love.
What is Love? Love is giving and not asking anything in return::::

The tragedy in all of this is that noone has asked M what it is she wants or needs. We are both being dismissed on the basis of fear and ignorance.

I have only now begun to see how this adoption web has been so intricately woven.
I cannot speak for anyone else's journey, but mine has taken an unexpected and disheartening turn.
The adoption industry caters to the Adoptive Parents and those in the industry who have to gain by monetary means. They say that they act in the best interest of the child, but i am being shown otherwise. It is something i do not wish for anyone else and something i have begun to fight for.
I have now become an advocate of Adoptees. Our beloved children that have no choice, no voice.
Our children that trust us whom we have let down b/c of our own ignorance.
I am being transformed in my own views about adoption daily
We can only act in the present. We cannot go back and change the past unfortunately.
I used to support Adoption Blindly. Not Now. I will advocate for Truth, No Matter what the cost.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Ten Thousand Words:::

I have been reading a lot of blogs the past few days. Blogs of Mothers, First Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, Adopted Children and Adult Children. I have read a slew of comments, I have seen and felt SO much emotion. I have started to SEE and FEEL how adoption affects people, I have cried and smiled. I have witnessed women just wanting so badly to be heard, but most importantly - to be Understood.
A lot of Words.
I have been saddened by some of these words, especially the words of mothers who have such pain that they try to make those of us who have that pain also but have chosen to heal and love through that pain - they have tried to push us back down with their words. cutting words. Words wrapped in eloquent intellectual and often biased anger and frustration. I get it. The pain is real.
The truth of it is that we, ourselves, are the only ones that can validate and heal our pain. noone else. That our peace and understanding come from within, not from without. We will never find peace attempting to coerce others to see and feel as we do. What we are all seeking through our blogs may differ, depending on our adoption experience. The common thread here is that we want a platform to express ourselves and to be heard.
Some mothers want and need support. Some mothers just want to vent. Some mothers want to share their Joy.
Some Mothers want only to share their Pain. Some Mothers want to advocate for change. Some Mothers want to help other Mothers, and some Don't. Some Mothers want to use Sarcasm and Demeaning Verbiage to tell other Mothers who feel and see things differently, to "take off their Rosy Glasses and get real". Some Mothers want to force Happiness and Peace b/c they know that that is what has pulled them out of the Big Black Hole of Loss.
It's A lot to Swallow. I try to read and be objective to all these truths, but sometimes it's hard.
I know, because of what I have experienced, that Peace can only come from within. We will never "find" peace by reading a blog or by demanding others to feel/think the same way I do. Never.
Peace is here with us. Always. It is the True essence of who and what we are. Grace is the Gift that helps us experience peace, but we must be still and breathe it in to experience that peace. The cost is FEELING our emotion, becoming one with it - whether happy or sad - and then trusting in the Divine Process, Healing is our Reward.
Today I choose Love. I'm done with Pain.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Tapestry Of Adoption - In Response to Sister Blog:

Hello Mothers, I'm Kris - A Mother, A Birth Mother, A Natural Mother, A...Whatever Label You Like best... "Insert Here"...
I want to say First, that I am only here out of Love. To Support and To Be Supported. That's essentially what has brought us together isn't it?
And, Of Course, Our Experiences in Living With Adoption.
I have to say that My Heart and Head is SO Intensely FULL from what ALL I have read here tonight.

I am Grateful for all of you.

In my eyes, all of you women are Brave...Brave for sharing your hearts and your truth. It is through every one of your stories that I am able to become closer to my own truth in regards to my own experience with Adoption.
So, Thanks...XOX
I am 14 years along my journey of being a Birth Mother and 8 years along my journey of being a mother actively parenting two amazing spirited girls :)

I really do not want to respond to the "emotions" of what has been said here (although I will if anyone would like to know xox )
but rather lend to the "statistical" aspect of the ideas of coersion , regret, etc..
I do not regret giving my first child up for adoption. It was my only option.
{ My only regret is that I did not seek more knowledge about the process, and settled for the Adoptive Mom i chose, knowing what i know now...I would not have chosen this couple}
Part of my decision was "self-less" and the other part was "selfish".
I was not in any way ready to become an active mother/parent….

My healing process was awful (the first part anyhow) as I did not have counseling, was not offered counseling, did not know there was counseling, and had no support. (I am STILL healing, but i am being supported now, this has made a HUGE difference!)
I was so stupid at that time in my life and became totally self destructive after placement...of course i did not relate any of that back to the adoption.
I didn't know I was going to go through the grieving process just as if someone i loved had died - but when i look back, that is EXACTLY what was happening.
OK, back to my choice.
Choosing Adoption was my choice, completely.
The only "Coersion" that took place was in the form of legalities, the type of adoption i chose, and the clear fact that the Lawyer involved represented Me, The A-Parents AND the Adoption Agency...can u say Conflict of Interest???
Interestingly enough, my friends - roommate - and birth father were all for me choosing abortion,  even some of my family...
The rest of my family (which isn't as big as it sounds ) wanted me to keep my baby.
I was an only child, my mother was a single parent, and i did not and still don't have a healthy relationship with her...controlling, guilt driven, PATHOLOGICALLY NARCISSISTIC etc...and I was in NO WAY going to let her raise or help raise that child...
She even went so far as to buy me baby stuff, even after I told her that I was choosing adoption.
It was awful.
I chose adoption. I had 2 very close friends growing up that were adopted, they had great lives, loving families and this is what my gut and heart was telling me to do.
I am totally Pro-Choice, but when I thought about getting an abortion, I knew it wasn't the decision for me.
So I opened up the phonebook and found an attorney who specialized in adoption.
I went through this whole journey by myself.
I am far from a cold and callous person, i'm actually quite emotional and i worked hard at detaching from my emotions right from the beginning.
At the time, it was all i knew...
I was sent a few profiles from some prospective couples and one hit me hard...
Both on their 2nd marriage, had multiple miscarriages, 2 failed placements.... did they seem like good folks, like they would make good parents?? sure. What the heck did i know....
They flew down to Florida and we met at a restaurant and we talked for hours. I had a list of questions ( not like i had the right...but then i was immature, young and didn't know much about life etc...)
So, I chose them. I carried M to term, called them when i went into labor and they flew down. I chose not to hold her after birth...I couldn't....I wasn't sure how i could deal with it - so i protected myself the only ways i knew how. I don't think i would have let her go if i had...
Again, I was alone...I didn't know what i was doing from a "mature" standpoint. And everyone seemed totally against the decision i had made xox
I didn't even know i had "options" post i chose what i know now to be "semi-open"
I knew I could not give this child stability and security.
I had SO much "growing-up" to do.
I learned a lot from this experience.
 I am still learning, and it is an ever-evolving dynamic.
I have had to allow myself to grieve just as i have had to let myself have joy for choosing what was best at that time.
The only thing I regret is not taking better care of myself, but i didn't know how.
Yes, it has been hard to receive letters every year where the adoptive mom writes:"MY little girl, My M, My, My Etc..." but that's what I chose, right?
I absolutely LOVED getting pictures however - It has been amazing watching her grow, seeing her blossom, examining her features.

Sadness and Joy.
One cannot exist without the other.

Perception can be a double edged sword...or it can be a gift, of Love and Hope.
All of our experiences are different. Some of our experiences are sadder than others...some filled with joy and gratitude....It's the Tapestry of Adoption. It is Complete.
My LOVE, Sincerely to all of you strong, beautiful women...XOX
Mama K.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Maya Angelou - I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The Birth Mother Voice: Missouri and Adoption

The Birth Mother Voice: Missouri and Adoption

Sunday, February 7, 2010

An Update on Our "Pseudo - Reunion":::::

 It has been 3 months since M found me on the internet. It is wild how 14 years of compartmentalizing emotions and memories can instantly meld together and break apart in an instant. I  cannot say with honesty and excitement that i am "Proud" to have chosen adoption for M as i have always been ... Proud of myself for choosing adoption when I was a teenager, b/c the "Oh So Ironic" realities of Life have had me tied to the Whipping Post as of late, and I am sifting through the pieces of my crumbled fantasies of what adoption really and truly is on a daily basis. Every day. Every Day I am trying to envision what M is thinking and feeling. What her house and bedroom look like. What her adoptive mom is thinking about me...about us. If after this "Pseudo-Reunion", M will want to meet me, face to face, up close and personal - when she is an adult - of course.
 After letting M know that she needed to talk to her mom about finding me, our communication with eachother has been morphing as she is not allowed now, to communicate with me. On one hand is is immensely heart-breaking, but there is this other hand...the hand that feels somewhat relieved...relieved because I wasn't ready for this. 
But screw that! 
Seriously, Who says we cannot be friends? 
Well, let me tell you...A LOT of folks benefitting from this adoption ARE saying this exact thing. "Stay Away! You will only make things worse! M is having enough problems as it is".
Wow. Are these people really that stupid. *Take a deep breath.
 Are we EVER ready to become parents? No. And I KNOW this, b/c I have two other daughters that I am always surprized with every day! The answers come, the relationships wax and wane. They hate me one day and the next day want to love and snuggle while telling me i'm the best mom in the while world.
Children are fickle....depending on what their needs and desires are - daily - sometimes by the minute ... and love you based on whether or not they are getting their way...or not getting their way.
 When M first contacted me, she let it be known that she did not get along with her parents, that she "hated" them and that they are "strict". At first this upset me so much ( it still does very much, my mind goes to the worst of scenarios ) - but when I was able to put in perspective , objectively , the parent-child dynamic ... of love and hate, I could see, kinda, what was going on.
 Oh, I am not looking forward to "parenting" Annabelle and Emma when they become Tweens and Teens...b/c this love/hate dynamic happens alot and as i remember it from when i was a teen .. it happens INTENSLEY - especially for us girls!
 But here they are...M and her Mom...knee deep in this space and I get to have glimpses of it from a distance...a very big distance. My hands are tied and I am supposed to "limit" my communications with M when she does reach out to me. Nice huh? And who exactly do these rules benefit? I wonder...
 I found out that M was going to therapy last year. Why? I do not know. I can guess, b/c she is ME, and i too, was right there at the same age...going to therapy, acting out in rebellion and "Hating" my mom.
M found my name on some paperwork while snooping around ( like all good teenagers do so well! ) and found me on Facebook. I believe this was her way of finding a "replacement mom". A mom who wouldn't tell her what to do, a mom who wasn't strict, a mom who wasn't HER mom. Pretty convenient to be adopted at this point in her life isn't it?
 So when I instantly "told her" she needed to tell her mom she found me, it was strike one....for me.....when i told her she would probably feel like she "hated" me if she were living under my roof, it was "strike two"...and me writing her mom a nice long letter on how I respected her and would NEVER undermine her as a parent...well that was probably "strike three". Then i wasn't her "friend" on Facebook anymore. Gosh, that was hard pill to swallow. But i realize what is going on. 
M has to live under the same roof as A-Mom, I shudder to think of this dynamic right now. I want to hold her, kiss her, tell her how sorry i am, how beautiful she is, how i'll never let her go.
  Not being able to have contact with her after all of this does not and will not ever change how much i love M - my heart breaks every day, knowing now what i know, knowing that she is exactly like me in every way, knowing i could help her through this time in her a friend...a listener..., knowing i can't give her a great big hug and tell her that all things pass....and the real heartbreaker - that i am not allowed to talk to her.
 So here I am. Here we are. Thousands of miles away from eachother - bonded in spirit and love. Seperated by "Rules", Seperated by "Fear".
In this long and heartfelt letter to M's mother, I poured my heart out. I let her know that I was behind her 100% and that SHE was M's mother and I would respect and honor what she thought was best.
Little did I know that she would be COMPLETELY closed off to me as well as the idea of Me and M getting to know eachother. The saddest part is that I had to hear all this from the adoption agency (mediator) and I have not heard anything from A-Mom at all. I have been completely rejected. Cast Out. Shut Down. The worthless piece of dirt Birth Mother. The Whore.
 A couple weeks ago, after M and her Mom had a "fight", I became M's  " friend " again on Facebook. M briefly told me what the fight was about, and I responded briefly (as i have been instructed to do when this happens). Just a few sentences letting M know that i had a similar situation when i was the same age, told her i loved her and asked her to be smart. It really really stinks that i can't say more. It's just heartbreaking.
 M is at an age right now where she is searching for her identity. 14 years old. I am a part of that identity. She needs the grown ups in her life to not respond in anger and fear. I honestly feel like things will become worse for her and her mother. My hands are tied. My heart is tied. My tongue is tied.
 I am fighting daily to not sink back in to the black hole of adoption. I still do not regret my decision, how can i, that would be a slap in the face to everyone involved, but i do wish things were a little different.
I am ashamed of my ignorance. But i do have the power to act out of knowledge and grace now.
If i knew then what I know now, I wold not have chosen these particular parents. You can say not to feel guilty for that, but really, how can i not? I will make peace with it though. I will fight for awareness and I will fight for truth.
 I wish M's mom knew how much I love M and how I could only help things by being in their life. I wish M's Mom wasn't so full of fear and so scared of what i represent to M. Because when it comes down to it, I am M's Natural Mother - and I would never EVER do anything to hurt her - I just want to be loved - Isn't that what we all want anyway?

~Mother Teresa