Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Tapestry Of Adoption - In Response to Sister Blog: http://www.firstmotherforum.com/

Hello Mothers, I'm Kris - A Mother, A Birth Mother, A Natural Mother, A...Whatever Label You Like best... "Insert Here"...
I want to say First, that I am only here out of Love. To Support and To Be Supported. That's essentially what has brought us together isn't it?
And, Of Course, Our Experiences in Living With Adoption.
I have to say that My Heart and Head is SO Intensely FULL from what ALL I have read here tonight.

I am Grateful for all of you.

In my eyes, all of you women are Brave...Brave for sharing your hearts and your truth. It is through every one of your stories that I am able to become closer to my own truth in regards to my own experience with Adoption.
So, Thanks...XOX
I am 14 years along my journey of being a Birth Mother and 8 years along my journey of being a mother actively parenting two amazing spirited girls :)

I really do not want to respond to the "emotions" of what has been said here (although I will if anyone would like to know xox )
but rather lend to the "statistical" aspect of the ideas of coersion , regret, etc..
I do not regret giving my first child up for adoption. It was my only option.
{ My only regret is that I did not seek more knowledge about the process, and settled for the Adoptive Mom i chose, knowing what i know now...I would not have chosen this couple}
Part of my decision was "self-less" and the other part was "selfish".
I was not in any way ready to become an active mother/parent….

My healing process was awful (the first part anyhow) as I did not have counseling, was not offered counseling, did not know there was counseling, and had no support. (I am STILL healing, but i am being supported now, this has made a HUGE difference!)
I was so stupid at that time in my life and became totally self destructive after placement...of course i did not relate any of that back to the adoption.
I didn't know I was going to go through the grieving process just as if someone i loved had died - but when i look back, that is EXACTLY what was happening.
OK, back to my choice.
Choosing Adoption was my choice, completely.
The only "Coersion" that took place was in the form of legalities, the type of adoption i chose, and the clear fact that the Lawyer involved represented Me, The A-Parents AND the Adoption Agency...can u say Conflict of Interest???
Interestingly enough, my friends - roommate - and birth father were all for me choosing abortion,  even some of my family...
The rest of my family (which isn't as big as it sounds ) wanted me to keep my baby.
I was an only child, my mother was a single parent, and i did not and still don't have a healthy relationship with her...controlling, guilt driven, PATHOLOGICALLY NARCISSISTIC etc...and I was in NO WAY going to let her raise or help raise that child...
She even went so far as to buy me baby stuff, even after I told her that I was choosing adoption.
It was awful.
I chose adoption. I had 2 very close friends growing up that were adopted, they had great lives, loving families and this is what my gut and heart was telling me to do.
I am totally Pro-Choice, but when I thought about getting an abortion, I knew it wasn't the decision for me.
So I opened up the phonebook and found an attorney who specialized in adoption.
I went through this whole journey by myself.
I am far from a cold and callous person, i'm actually quite emotional and sentimental...so i worked hard at detaching from my emotions right from the beginning.
At the time, it was all i knew...
I was sent a few profiles from some prospective couples and one hit me hard...
Both on their 2nd marriage, had multiple miscarriages, 2 failed placements.... did they seem like good folks, like they would make good parents?? sure. What the heck did i know....
They flew down to Florida and we met at a restaurant and we talked for hours. I had a list of questions ( not like i had the right...but then i was immature, young and didn't know much about life etc...)
So, I chose them. I carried M to term, called them when i went into labor and they flew down. I chose not to hold her after birth...I couldn't....I wasn't sure how i could deal with it - so i protected myself the only ways i knew how. I don't think i would have let her go if i had...
Again, I was alone...I didn't know what i was doing from a "mature" standpoint. And everyone seemed totally against the decision i had made xox
I didn't even know i had "options" post placement...so i chose what i know now to be "semi-open"
I knew I could not give this child stability and security.
I had SO much "growing-up" to do.
I learned a lot from this experience.
 I am still learning, and it is an ever-evolving dynamic.
I have had to allow myself to grieve just as i have had to let myself have joy for choosing what was best at that time.
The only thing I regret is not taking better care of myself, but i didn't know how.
Yes, it has been hard to receive letters every year where the adoptive mom writes:"MY little girl, My M, My, My Etc..." but that's what I chose, right?
I absolutely LOVED getting pictures however - It has been amazing watching her grow, seeing her blossom, examining her features.

Sadness and Joy.
One cannot exist without the other.

Perception can be a double edged sword...or it can be a gift, of Love and Hope.
All of our experiences are different. Some of our experiences are sadder than others...some filled with joy and gratitude....It's the Tapestry of Adoption. It is Complete.
My LOVE, Sincerely to all of you strong, beautiful women...XOX
Mama K.


  1. Finally I find something similar to what I believe to be true for my birthmother and her experience.

    Thanks : )

  2. I love these words you write. so raw. so real. I'm a bm 10 years now. thank u for sharing this.


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