After letting M know that she needed to talk to her mom about finding me, our communication with eachother has been morphing as she is not allowed now, to communicate with me. On one hand is is immensely heart-breaking, but there is this other hand...the hand that feels somewhat relieved...relieved because I wasn't ready for this.
But screw that!
Seriously, Who says we cannot be friends?
Well, let me tell you...A LOT of folks benefitting from this adoption ARE saying this exact thing. "Stay Away! You will only make things worse! M is having enough problems as it is".
Wow. Are these people really that stupid. *Take a deep breath.
Are we EVER ready to become parents? No. And I KNOW this, b/c I have two other daughters that I am always surprized with every day! The answers come, the relationships wax and wane. They hate me one day and the next day want to love and snuggle while telling me i'm the best mom in the while world.
Children are fickle....depending on what their needs and desires are - daily - sometimes by the minute ... and love you based on whether or not they are getting their way...or not getting their way.
When M first contacted me, she let it be known that she did not get along with her parents, that she "hated" them and that they are "strict". At first this upset me so much ( it still does very much, my mind goes to the worst of scenarios ) - but when I was able to put in perspective , objectively , the parent-child dynamic ... of love and hate, I could see, kinda, what was going on.
Oh, I am not looking forward to "parenting" Annabelle and Emma when they become Tweens and Teens...b/c this love/hate dynamic happens alot and as i remember it from when i was a teen .. it happens INTENSLEY - especially for us girls!
But here they are...M and her Mom...knee deep in this space and I get to have glimpses of it from a distance...a very big distance. My hands are tied and I am supposed to "limit" my communications with M when she does reach out to me. Nice huh? And who exactly do these rules benefit? I wonder...
I found out that M was going to therapy last year. Why? I do not know. I can guess, b/c she is ME, and i too, was right there at the same age...going to therapy, acting out in rebellion and "Hating" my mom.
M found my name on some paperwork while snooping around ( like all good teenagers do so well! ) and found me on Facebook. I believe this was her way of finding a "replacement mom". A mom who wouldn't tell her what to do, a mom who wasn't strict, a mom who wasn't HER mom. Pretty convenient to be adopted at this point in her life isn't it?
So when I instantly "told her" she needed to tell her mom she found me, it was strike one....for me.....when i told her she would probably feel like she "hated" me if she were living under my roof, it was "strike two"...and me writing her mom a nice long letter on how I respected her and would NEVER undermine her as a parent...well that was probably "strike three". Then i wasn't her "friend" on Facebook anymore. Gosh, that was hard pill to swallow. But i realize what is going on.
M has to live under the same roof as A-Mom, I shudder to think of this dynamic right now. I want to hold her, kiss her, tell her how sorry i am, how beautiful she is, how i'll never let her go.
Not being able to have contact with her after all of this does not and will not ever change how much i love M - my heart breaks every day, knowing now what i know, knowing that she is exactly like me in every way, knowing i could help her through this time in her life...as a friend...a listener..., knowing i can't give her a great big hug and tell her that all things pass....and the real heartbreaker - that i am not allowed to talk to her.
So here I am. Here we are. Thousands of miles away from eachother - bonded in spirit and love. Seperated by "Rules", Seperated by "Fear".
In this long and heartfelt letter to M's mother, I poured my heart out. I let her know that I was behind her 100% and that SHE was M's mother and I would respect and honor what she thought was best.
Little did I know that she would be COMPLETELY closed off to me as well as the idea of Me and M getting to know eachother. The saddest part is that I had to hear all this from the adoption agency (mediator) and I have not heard anything from A-Mom at all. I have been completely rejected. Cast Out. Shut Down. The worthless piece of dirt Birth Mother. The Whore.
A couple weeks ago, after M and her Mom had a "fight", I became M's " friend " again on Facebook. M briefly told me what the fight was about, and I responded briefly (as i have been instructed to do when this happens). Just a few sentences letting M know that i had a similar situation when i was the same age, told her i loved her and asked her to be smart. It really really stinks that i can't say more. It's just heartbreaking.
M is at an age right now where she is searching for her identity. 14 years old. I am a part of that identity. She needs the grown ups in her life to not respond in anger and fear. I honestly feel like things will become worse for her and her mother. My hands are tied. My heart is tied. My tongue is tied.
I am fighting daily to not sink back in to the black hole of adoption. I still do not regret my decision, how can i, that would be a slap in the face to everyone involved, but i do wish things were a little different.
I am ashamed of my ignorance. But i do have the power to act out of knowledge and grace now.
If i knew then what I know now, I wold not have chosen these particular parents. You can say not to feel guilty for that, but really, how can i not? I will make peace with it though. I will fight for awareness and I will fight for truth.
I wish M's mom knew how much I love M and how I could only help things by being in their life. I wish M's Mom wasn't so full of fear and so scared of what i represent to M. Because when it comes down to it, I am M's Natural Mother - and I would never EVER do anything to hurt her - I just want to be loved - Isn't that what we all want anyway?
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”