"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I surrendered my first child to adoption at birth.
I was an extremely unstable teen. Mixed Up in every way imaginable. An only child, abused and neglected by my mother for many years.
My Grandmother Says she should have never had children.
I was a product of this. I was an addict and I was also a cutter.
I had no clue how to function at all. All I knew what self-destruction and that there was no way I would bring an innocent baby into my world. My family's World.
Eventually we would be torn to shreds. My Mother would take her from me and have me commited, just as she did 4 years Prior...and then...well, I shuddered to think.
I went through the pregnancy with little to no support. abused while I was pregnant. The only person that offered help was the person who crippled me, Mommy Dearest.
Over my dead body would she get her hands on my baby. To Me, It was life or death.
I was It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.
I tried to make it okay in my mind, but the only time I ever felt safe was with her inside me, and I knew it couldn't last.
My Mother. My biggest Enemy. My worst Fear.
The attorney I contacted sent the PAP's profile to me in the mail and i liked what i read about them. (I mean, to me...anything was better than Me and the Monster)
Interests:Cooking, Skiing, Camping...Profession: Attorney & CPA...Building a home in CT. 45 & 43 Years Old. Second Marriage.
One thing was obviously for certain - they wanted/needed a baby in their lives terribly to be adopting at their ages. (in hindsight, i realize how detrimental this thought process is...but how could i have known then...? )
They both flew down to meet me from New York. I interviewed them for hours – I had specific requests and questions on how they planned to raise M.
I had been lied to by Monster for so long, I couldn't tell a lie or a scam if it hit me between the eyes. (Pretty Disgusting looking back)
After hours of interrogation and what I thought to be a good conversation, They assured me that everything I had requested was what they would plan to do anyway, and naively I assumed it was destiny.
I Just knew they would be wonderful parents! ( Hopefully you have figured out by now that i didn't know ANYTHING ).
My prospective adoptive mom had had multiple miscarriages, survived two failed placements at birth and both she and her husband were on their 2nd marriage and in their early to mid 40’s ( Yet another ill-informed decision on my part, I couldn't have imagined the distance M would feel growing up with older parents....) They had gone through 2 adoptions where the birth moms had changed their mind at the last minute. They wanted a baby so bad, (Only now do i see the dichotomy of these words, and how unhealthy this really is...) and i was so disillusioned I actually felt grateful to be able to give my baby to two wonderful people who would give her stability, love and opportunity. ( See, I thought they were wonderful then, I'm sure *know* they put their game face on for me, I feel pretty used today...)
I thought Often.....There must have been something greater than me that led me to this decision as I was the most immature and selfish 19 year old girl in the universe…Now the sad part, is that when I got the phone book and looked for an Adoption Attorney, I actually thought that this Attorney represented me. Pretty Stupid Huh? I mean, I was the one that called them, right??
Not anyone involved once informed me of any Adoption Options, I only assumed there was one kind - Closed. I didn't think I had any rights. I never had any rights. Ever. Why would this be any different. I was so unsuspecting. So incredibly naive.
I was told I could have an open adoption...
This meant one letter, 2 pictures a year ( they said letters and pictures...i actually thought i would get more, and i don't recall there being fine print...)
Wow! That was more than I had hoped for!
I honestly felt that I didn't even deserve that much. I was a horrible person. Even more horrible of a person now that I was giving my baby away. Surely I was just like my mother.
Now, My Father ( who my mother left when i was 3 ) had just taken his life 2 months before I became pregnant. Rewind 1 year - I dropped out of High School, didn't tell anyone where I was going, not one person, got on a train bound for NY, and ended up with my father who I hadn't seen in 5 years. Our reunion was incredible. Until his wife said i needed to go. I got to know my dad, finally. And he got to know me. He told me he wanted to die. He hated his life.
I got mad at him. Told him not to tell me things like that. I moved back to Fl. in June and
3 months later, He was gone.
It seemed like God hated me. I hated me.
My Paternal Grandmother told me it was my fault he was dead. If I loved him more. If i stayed up in NJ....Now, I was going to give a baby away. She wanted nothing to do with me.
To this day...I have talked to her maybe 6 times in 15 years and she always without fail...asks about " the baby "
Fast Forward 1 year from my father's Death. Almost to the day. M was Born.
I wanted so bad to hold her. I couldn't. I knew if I did, I would never let her go.
I gave her a name. Her first name. And her last name...was mine and my father's.
I was very sad when they changed it.
Every Year on her birthday, I take out her Birth Certificate ..with her little footprints...and Cry.
I did not realize the ramifications of what carrying M inside me would do to my psyche.
I tried to block out my emotions during the pregnancy. I was very ignorant of the innate bonding that happens while pregnant as well as the nesting aspect and the hormones. I didn’t know until hindsight that god and the universe actually prepared you during pregnancy to become a mother. I didn’t know. So there I was, post birth – alone. confused.
2 weeks later, I was messed up. I had it in for myself for sure. A snowball effect. Not sure how I survived.
I LOVED getting the pictures - I would go in my closet and sit down in the very back and stare at them, kiss her, and cry.
I sort of liked reading the letters all except for the 10 or so redundant words that read: my daughter, my little girl, my, my, my – that was a little overkill for this feeling, unstable twenty-something )
I was pretty saddened by this, but thought that this would probably be what was best for her.
I mean, I had made my choice, right? The less confusion the better.
( Now i see the fear, the control, now i am paying for it - M is paying for it )
I continued a downward spiral for the next few years, more loss, more pain, trying to escape in every way imaginable. I became hard. I learned about life on the streets. I dealt Drugs. I slept wherever I could. I couldn't hold a job. I stole. I cheated. I lied. I did whatever I could to survive. I always made sure to visit my mother and step fathers house though, so I could get that one letter, two pictures a year. I carried her pictures and her birth certificate with me everywhere I went. The only thing that gave me hope. Was that she was safe and loved with a good life. A life i couldn't imagine, but tried.
I had a lot of growing to do.
I escaped from these feelings in many unhealthy ways throughout the next 5 years. I was my own demise.
Something was missing from my life. Until I had my other two daughters and realized exactly what had happened….I was prepared to be a mother, and hung myself out to dry.
I forced myself to have a positive outlook on the adoption.( Denial is probably a more accurate word )
I suppose I had to. This was the only way I survived the pain of the loss.
I found myself shackled and in front of a judge when I was 25. For the 2nd time in just a couple years. This judge swung her gavel of fate and so I sit here today because of it.
I chose Rehab instead of Jail and started my trek uphill.
I was court ordered to meetings. They saved my Life. They gave me a life.
A sponsor taught me in just a few months what my mother should have in 15 years.
Just as if I were a baby, I learned how to live. From everyone but my own family.
Fast Forward 1 year. 2001. I met my now husband and became pregnant with A only 2 months after we met. With my new found life skills I was certain I could do it. I would do whatever it took.
A saved my life.
Fast Forward 8 years.
Defying all odds and personality differences my husband and me are still together, and parenting our 2 daughters. Life is still a struggle, but its SO much better than it ever has been.
I have grown by leaps and bounds due to stubborness, My husband and these little girls who teach me more and more every day I wake up.
November 6th, 2009. The day after E's 6th Birthday.
I never knew my first childs last name or where she lived until this day when i opened my email and found a note in my facebook inbox that read: hey, it’s m******, your daughter.
My eyes filled with tears. My heart lept. I was in shock.
A and E both know that they have a sister I gave up for adoption as we have pictures of her in the house and talk about her on birthdays, holidays, whenever… They all came running into the room – I was shouting out loud uncontrollably with disbelief and joy and as i was crying I hugged my girls and told them that their sister had found me! That she had found US!
I always knew that she would find me one day b/c she just had to have my curious and sentimental genes!
It was the happiest day of my life!!
I never thought it would be at 14 years old however, and her adoptive mom and dad didn't know.
Turns out she did it in secret.
( well, they do now, upon my request and urging - and it has completely and totally backfired on both myself and M - D will not talk to me, answer my letters. M has been forbidden to communicate with me. )
Here is the interesting part. My Mother just happened to be visiting when I got M's email. I was just so excited, I wanted to tell everyone! I forgot who i was dealing with. My excitement turned to shock and disbelief as my mother looked at me sternly and uttered - I hope you are not planning on writing her back. You made an agreement. You need to ignore her.
Holy Crap! Did that just come out of my mother's mouth?!? Yup.
I looked at her with disgust and said swiftly, Of Course I am writing her back! That's my child!
I would Never EVER Ignore Her!
...and the rest of the visit was awkward as usual and ended in its usual way, of her leaving in a huff from things not going her way.
Now, this is the edited version of the first time I wrote of this account. The first version was full of Fluff and Denial. So much so, I could not believe I actually wrote the words myself.
Boy, reality sure has a way of smacking you down...well, smacking ME down. xox
That was November. Christmas was a train wreck up at my mother's house...more abuse, more lies.
In January this year, I cut off all communication with her. My Mother that is. After educating myself on what she really is and coming to terms with it, I realized that there is no way to have a relationship with her. She is a Pathological Narcissist. I have agreed through my husband that she can see and be with A and E when she comes to visit, but she is no longer welcome in my home, and for as long as she continues to lie, steal, abuse, control and deny reality on all accounts. It has been the greatest freedom I have ever know. I have no regrets. I am at peace for the first time . ever.
Back to M -
I didn’t want to ruin the reunion by telling her what to do, but I felt like I HAD let her know that it was VERY important that she tell her mom she found me.
I just wanted to do what’s right.
It has all been so overwhelming. Especially in the beginning.
I am SO incredibly happy that my first child has found me and I would love nothing more than to have a special relationship with her now, and get to know her for the beautiful and talented young woman that she is becoming.
But that's not quite what is happening.
I wish I had a better outcome to write about, but that is simply just not the case.
I have been threatened by the agency. I have been told I am not allowed to contact her and if M contacts me, I am to ignore her.
Which I am not doing BTW. I will never ignore one of my children. Ever.
I have been "defriended" twice, for reasons i dare not ask.
I have been able to tell M all the important things that needed to be said, for now.
She knows I love her.
I was just able to celebrate her 15th birthday with her by sending her a big box full of goodies and Love. I had to send it to her friend's house, but i'll take that.
She was writing me everyday up until 2 weeks ago and then she stopped. Again.
I honestly feel like a fish on a hook. I am trying to be as rational about it all as possible.
I started taking anti-depressants 4 months ago.
I am trying to hold on for dear life.
Some days are better than others ( I am also dealing with a painful and chronic illness I was diagnosed with a year and a half ago....which sucks...)
The minute I dare ask God, what's next...rar...u know. So, forget it.
Roll with the punches?
So where do we go from here?
One foot in front of the other like always?
Will her adoptive mom be receptive to her wanting to know me? ( NOPE )
Will I survive the rejection if she doesn’t?( I am surviving only b/c I have started blogging and reading the real stories of others that have been living with Adoption )
Will M want to get to know me more? Or is this it?
Some days I feel like I deserve what I get. That Karma is a bitch.
Other days, i just don't even know what to think.
I know that I want M to be happy, so whatever that is to her, is what I will accept.
I know that it will break my heart if she decides to shun me, but that I will never give up or let go...never.
Life is so incredibly intense sometimes. Most Times in My case.
I am constantly reminding myself that it is not about me, that this journey is about Love.
What is Love? Love is giving and not asking anything in return::::
The tragedy in all of this is that noone has asked M what it is she wants or needs. We are both being dismissed on the basis of fear and ignorance.
I have only now begun to see how this adoption web has been so intricately woven.
I cannot speak for anyone else's journey, but mine has taken an unexpected and disheartening turn.
The adoption industry caters to the Adoptive Parents and those in the industry who have to gain by monetary means. They say that they act in the best interest of the child, but i am being shown otherwise. It is something i do not wish for anyone else and something i have begun to fight for.
I have now become an advocate of Adoptees. Our beloved children that have no choice, no voice.
Our children that trust us whom we have let down b/c of our own ignorance.
I am being transformed in my own views about adoption daily
We can only act in the present. We cannot go back and change the past unfortunately.
I used to support Adoption Blindly. Not Now. I will advocate for Truth, No Matter what the cost.